Just Let Me try

I tried to tell my grandma that I am planning on moving to Florida and it didn't go over very well. She says she worries about my safety. That because my best friend is gay, that I will be subjected to an environment where people who hate the gay community will not only hurt him but also might try to hurt me. To which, I replied, people are like that everywhere you go and we have dealt. She said she knows and that she worries enough about his safety let alone mine. That she think of him as a member of the family and hopes that everything works out for him. To which I was happy to hear, with exception that she worries about my safety because there are so many other problems in the world that people have to deal with. She said that now that my friend has moved away, it might be easier for me to go out an find someone. Someone that I can have the same friendship with but also might enjoy their company in an intimate way as well. At this point I began to get up from the table. To which she recieved as a direct blow to her comments, automatically thinking that I am angry with her. I try to walk away and just say I'm tired or something. To which, she says you are mad at me. I turned and asked why everyone thinks that the relationship that I have with my gay best friend is ruining my love life. I had no one before him. So why is it his fault that no one cares for me like that. Couldn't the reason be that I am not appealing enough? Couldn't it be that there are not enought men here in this small town? I tell her that I don't want to talk because it makes me sad and that I apologize if it makes her feel bad. I knew that if I stayed, I would only grow increasingly angry with her and frankly I didn't want to fight. I just wish that because my mother and my grandmother care for me so much and want what's best for me, that they could see that I am not chasing my best friend across the country for his sake, but for my own. Because I'm tired of the quietness of this small town and the scenery painted in green. I'm tired of the people in this town and the close mindedness that they condone. I'm dying here and I have a shot at a cure. That cure is the sunny beaches of the coast. Sarasota is not a step in the wrong direction but more of a leap towards the right direction. I'm not chasing Greyson. We are just great friends that think that it would be easier on our own, if we had a great friend there to hold our hand. I don't know. I'm close to just giving up.

Help Me Chase The Shadows Away

What if they were all right?
What if everything that they said was true?
What if I was a fool to believe in simple lies created in my mind?
Could I have overlooked and overturned,
Everything I have ever learned?
What if I wasted all of my emotion on a false belief?
Could I have been such a child,
And believed that the truth was too incomprehensible?
Was I really used?
Did I fall into a spell?
Did I possibly think that it was enough just to stand there,
As me?
That we were really okay?
So maybe I was,
Maybe I wasn't?
I'll never know.
But at least I lived.
At least I breathed.
At least I tried.
And what I had will never fade away like memory.
It will linger always.
So I cannot be mad.

Confessions Part 1 and 2

I have a confession to make. Something that I discovered today. I enjoy sex. Like alot. And I kinda thought that I was your normal human being and that the fact that I have and enjoy sex a lot was just normal. But I discovered today that I use sex to make myself feel better. About two hours ago, I was sitting here not feeling all that great, annoyed by some people, and had some things on my mind. So the first thought that comes into my head is oooohhhh how about some sex. And we all know what that led to. It was good sex. I mean really good sex. It was really hot sex too. But then when it was all over, I was like okay ummm...im bored. Which leads me to my second point. I hate small talk. I don't like small talk when you run into your mother's bosses' wive's first son at the grocery store and attempt to act like you care. I mean hellooooooo come on. You both know that niether one of you can remember the other person's name or how you know them, yet people always stand there and make small talk. As if the situation isn't awkward enough, let's add some how are you?'s and what have you been up to?'s even though you know you aren't going to pay attention to the details of their lives as they spill their guts to you. You just want to quickly move on and buy that loaf of bread you originally come into the store for. But okay, back to my point and I do have one. As if small talk in any situation is bad, let's talk about small talk before sex. I mean okay. If any of you out there have ever been involved in a friend's with benefits relationship with anyone, you know that the only reason why you are really meeting up with that person is to get a little action. That's all I was looking for. OH GOD HE PISSES ME OFF!!!!! Don't sit there and be like soooo...."how have you been?" "how is work?" "when did you get your nose pierced?" "I like your car" when really you have no intention of even caring the slightest when I give a response. Seriously, you never cared before, so why start now when I'm only looking for a little fun. God. For real. You don't like me even if you keep telling me that. I can't trust you to even think about liking you. So just stop with the "we are such great friends" bullshit. Let's just have a little fun and then go back to our normal lives.

It's you

I'm holding on to you.
I'm holding on to truth.
And the only thing I got going for me,
Is you.
I've found hope,
At the bottom of the bottle.
And I've finally found the light,
In the pinkness of my scars.
Still through it all,
The only thing I needed,
Was you.
Cause you watched me fall,
You offered me a hand.
Helped me to my feet,
So that I could start again.
Wiped the tear from my eye,
And you taught me not to throw away,
The garbage that was me.
So I layed my head down on your chest,
As it moved up and down,
Listening to the sound of your heart,
Building me a home.
Cause what I had,
And all that I needed,
Was you.
And you're still here,
In the end,
Where the chapter begins to close,
And I realized that the best part about me,
The thing I look forward to the most,
Is you.

Times are a changing

So here is an update on how the holiday went. Christmas was okay. It was difficult not to be able to give as much back to my family as I would have liked to, however it was nice. I got to spend some time with the family and also the best friend came home which was amazing. I was able to spend some time with him and also see some other friends that I haven't seen in awhile. However, Greyson left this morning. It was hard. Like really hard. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry. But I did. It was terrible. It was raining, I couldn't see through the tears and the rain, and to top it all off, every song on the radio was about moving away or saying goodbye to someone. Oh god. It was bad. I thought maybe I wouldn't cry so bad because of the fact that I have gotten so used to having to say goodbye to him. But it wasn't the same this time because I know that I won't be seeing him soon. All the other times that he has left, I could look forward to seeing him again in a couple of weeks or what not. But not this time. This time, he isn't just going to be 3 1/2 hours away or 5 1/2 hours away. No, he is going to be like a two hour plane ride away. Hopefully, things work out for him down there. If everything goes according to plan I will be down there with him in March. That is if he still wants me to come down there. It's funny though because I have told everyone here that I am planning on moving down there. They just all think that I mean in years of so and I just agree with them. But really, I want to go as soon as possible. I can't wait. I think that it is going to be so great down there. I can only hope.

Stay Out

Something that really bothers me is when people get into your space or take things without asking. Oh it pisses me off so bad. I don't care if you borrow something of mine, but please ask first and bring it back. Just don't go into my room and take anything you want and expect me not to get angry. HELLOOO....it's my stuff and when it's not there when I need it, I am going to get angry. UGH... I am so fucking pissed off right now. YOu have no idea.

I Absolutely love Mamma Mia!

I've only seen you twice
In a short time
Only a day since we started
It seems to me
For every time
I'm getting more open-hearted
Your smile
And the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling,
You give me no choice
And it means a lot to me
So I wanna know
What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
Can you feel it the way I do?
And you make me talk,
And you make me feel,'
And you make me show,
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you
Would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me?
If I said I care about you.
Could you feel the same way too?
I wanna know,
What's the name of the game?

$$$$$$ = *!@%

After four months of waiting, we finally received word today. My mom will not be getting compensation. Workman's comp believes that she doesn't have a strong enough case. Funny, because I thought that if you're injured on the job, doesn't that kind of mean that you are entitled to compensation? Well I guess, according to them, she has to be like on her death bed in order to receive payments. So as if the past four months weren't hard enough without any money, let's add another four onto the pile. And as if that isn't bad enough, the Pennsylvania assistance office doesn't even know if they can help us out because they have never dealt with a case like our's. So the only money that is coming into our household is mine. I can't do it anymore. I can't bust my ass every fucking day of the week, pay my car insurance, pay my tuition, pay the electric, pay the cell phone bill, pay the internet bill, pay the tv bill, and still have enough money left over so that I can buy gas just to make it to work to do it all over again. I can't afford it. I'm so tired of bill collector's blowing up my phone because my payments are late. Why does everything have to fucking evolve around money? UGH....I'm so tired of this shit, you have no idea.

Idk....Just one of those bad days

When I was little, I absolutely loved Christmas time. It was my favorite time of the year. There were so many traditions. I can remember going three or four weeks before Christmas with my mom and sister and picking out a Christmas tree. Mom always said that we couldn't get a very big one but we always managed to talk her into letting us get a six or seven foot tree. Then we would bring it home, put on some Christmas music, make some hot chocolate, and decorate the tree. Then once we were finished we would watch a Christmas special on the twenty five days of Christmas and just laugh and talk and sip hot chocolate. I loved seeing all the decorations and the lights. It was the one time of the year when problems didn't seem that bad. Happiness and love were things that everyone could feel. And I remember Christams Eve night was always really special. It was my birthday and I always hated how mom always had to work. I used to sit by door and just watch the clock until she would get home. Then she would always bring a cake and we would have a special dinner that my grandma would fix. I never had a party since it was Christmas Eve and most of my friends were busy with their families, but my mom and grandma always made it special. I got to pick what we had for dinner. And then we would eat cake and ice cream and I would open up a few gifts. Then once all that was said and done, we would watch the weather channel to see where Santa was. Then mom would always say that Santa wouldn't come if we weren't in bed. So grandma would take me and Brooke back to our beds and tell us story and then we would all go to sleep. Grandma would sleep in the bed and Brooke and I on the floor. And I could never sleep. I couldn't wait to wake up. I would wake up so early that after we would unwrap presents, my mom would make us take a nap. And there were always so many presents. But this year is so hard. It's not Christmas. So much is going on right now in my life. My family has no money. I have no money. People were talking today at work about what they were getting for Christmas and what they were getting other people, but I can't do that. My family only has enough money to get each person one gift. And it hurts me because that was the time of year that I looked forward to being able to spend all the money that I saved up all year long on the people that have been there the most for me. I can't afford to buy my mom, my sister, or my grandma anything special. And they can't afford to on me. And we can't even find time to decorate the house. I always have to work or do school. And tonight they started decorating without me. It's not Christmas. It's not my Christmas. Yes, this may be dumb to everyone out there but I don't care. If you could remember Christmas' the way I do, you would be sad too. So yes, I'm crying. I'm crying because it's December 18 and Christmas is just going to be another day to me. It's not magical anymore and I'm crying because not only is this going to be the worst Christmas ever, but my best friend is moving too. And until now I haven't thought about it. I purposely refused to. But this is the fourth time that someone I love and trust has moved away from me and it hurts. And I can't stop thinking about all of this. I just want something. Idk what ... I just need something.

Just How Much I Miss You

I know it must be hard for you,
To see me standing here so tense,
Lacking all self confidence.
But you see you must know how I feel,
And how it hurts,
Way down deep inside.
The pain I feel,
When you leave everytime.
No I don't want to talk,
About all the things we've gone through.
It hurts too much,
To bring back all the memories.
I can't conceal it,
Don't you see,
Don't you feel it.
You're the reason I can't sleep at night.
The reason why I cry at night.
The reason why I shut out all the light.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
Inside my heart,
Inside my mind,
Inside of me.

December is for Cynics

Catch me please,
Offguard.
I'm begging for some profanity and bliss.
Or maybe just a little kiss.
A little motivation,
And a little less isolation.
I don't know much about your life,
Or your world,
And you don't know about my past.
But what's wrong with saying hello to a stranger.
Finding comfort in another's eyes.
A home away from home for the night.
No need for right or wrong.
Cause we both know we don't want it to last too long.
We both just want a little less complicated,
Nothing overrated,
Just a little togetherness.
And not another mess.
I don't want to make a scene,
And I don't want to lose my dignity.
I'm just looking for a little passion,
In the heat of the night,
Something that feels right.
Some weekend apologies and somebody to love,
For a night,
With no regrets,
Just taking a chance.
So catch me please,
Offguard.
I'm begging for some profanity and bliss,
Or maybe just a little kiss.

I'm The Only One

Here I am and here you are.
There I stand and there you go,
Again.
With your talk of someone new.
Of something new.
How I wish that it was enough,
Just to stand.
Here with you.
See I've got a confession to make.
I'm a fool,
And you're a tool,
For not seeing that I believe in you.
That I'm in love with you.
I know you.
The real you that they can't see.
And I remember you calling me in the middle of the night,
I'm the one that makes you laugh,
When you know you're about to cry.
So how can't you see,
That I'm the one that understands you.
Been here all along,
How could you not know?
How could you not see?
That you belong with me.

The Outfield

I love that feeling of accomplishment at the end of a relaxing day. A feeling that you have done absolutely nothing all day long, yet you've done so much. Take for instance, my day today. I stayed up most of the night last night exploring the world wide web and watching late night television only to pass out at about 4:30. I then woke up two hours later to take my sister to the bus where on my way to the car, I busted my ass on an ice patch in my drivway. Man I went down like a fucking terrorist at an airport. After that fall, my day was ruined. It's funny how something like that can happen to you and your whole day will be shot. Instances like busting your ass on a patch of ice or stubbing your toe can make you reflect deeply on your life and realize that you need to just crawl back in bed and enjoy a good cry. Not a short weepy cry but more like a on your knees gasping for air good cry. Damn those moments. Lol. There was no way that I was going to get up and do anything productive today. So, I then preceded to enter my bedroom where I passed out for a good two hours. I then spent the rest of the day thinking up wild and crazy ideas and searching for jobs in the land of the sun. For you idiots out there, that reference was to Sarasota. It is now 10:03 at night and I haven't done a thing all day. I'm so proud of my boring ass. GO ME!!!! So because I don't want to go to sleep tonight feeling like I didn't do all that I could do, I'm gonna blog a bit.

It's On People

So I live in a town that happens to be located in the middle of nowhere. Now, as if that isn't punsihment enough, my parents, god love em, decided to build their estate beyond the white picket fences of the redneck town, and choose an even more secluded area. Ahh, an area where the hills are alive with the sound of music, and the nearest house is a mile away from your own. While growing up, this was amazing. I couldn't ask for more. The view from my bedroom window is breathtaking. I, who enjoy singing at the top of my lungs, could walk outside and belt a number out and not have to worry about disrupting the peace whatsoever. Mainly because I was singing to the trees and other various objects of nature. Anyway, back to the topic of this here blog. When I was little, it was like an adventure island. Everyday, I could explore the land more and more. There was not one place that I didn't travel on my 10 speed purple mountain bike. However, now that I am older, and I enjoy the company of newer technological advancements, such as the computer, internet, and cell phones. I don't really idolize the land I live on. This shit is no longer cool with me. I hate dial up like you wouldn't believe. I mean seriously, you can forget about listening to live streaming music or youtube because if you want to watch a video, it takes a full day just to load the title page. Cell phone service is no where to be found. Luckly, however, I am a txt whore so I at least havea bar to send txts or else I would be going out of my flippin mind. But, my mother insisted that we have the "in" network because it would be cheaper to talk to our friends, but hello, how does that work if you don't even have enough service to make a call. Anyway, the point of my rant is the fact that because I have dial up and cannot have wireless at my house, nor do I have cell phone service to call my friends when I want to chat it up at four o'clock in the god damn morning because I know that they are the only other people that are still up at that current time, I can't just hook up to the internet in my room. No, that would be too easy. I have to find a phone line. A phone line that is connected to the second number. The number for the internet. This line happens to be located in my living room, which is approximately 20 feet away from my nice cozy warm bed. And because my mother is often compared to the psycho mother in the movie Carrie, I have to go all stealth mode to use my computer at this time. So here I sit, crouched behind the couch in our living room, pecking the keys ever so slightly so that I don't disturb the quietness that surrounds me. Hell, this would be so much better if I was dressed in all black and was wearing camo war paint. No, instead I am wearing white shorts and a pink tank top. Anyway, I swear tomorrow I will run a phone line from the living room to my room. This is a promise. You watch me. Tomorrow night, I will not need to be all stealth.

RaNdOm ThOuGhTs

I think that I'm going to go to bed and sleep. Sleep for like an eternity. I am so tired, I know that I could sleep for days and not wake up once. Well, maybe for the occasional drink/food/potty break, but hell even those I'm sure I could do while sleep walking. That is how tired I am. I need sleep. But I'm starting to realize that I'm getting the best ideas because I am so tired. Like for instance, today while I was waiting for my shift to finish today at work, and I stood at the front window and realized that I could probably take all the grease from where I work and develop some kind of high tech device for my car to filter the grease and fuel me car. There would be enough freaking grease in it that I could leave the town and never return. Yea, I know. Weird. But it enlightened me for like 2.5 seconds. Whatever. I'm cool. You don't know me.

After I fall, I'll know why they call it falling

I want to know what it's like to fall in love. I want to know what it's like to have your breath taken away. To gasp for air, because you're so caught up, in the moment, in the heat of a thousand moments. To be caught up in love. I want to know what it's like to take someone's breath away. To know what it's like to be the thought that crosses someone else's mind. Instead, I wake up in the morning with bruised ribs where I was thinking so hard about someone else. I want to feel like someone cares. Like someone feels the same way that I do. I want to know what it's like to fall so hard for someone and have them feel the same way back. I'm tired of just occasional one night stands in the back of his car and I'm tired of using him to feel a little less invisible. I'm tired of sleeping with him because I don't care. Because I don't feel the same way about him. I want more than that. I want the fairytale. I want someone to take my hand in drag me head first, fearless. Someone to kiss in the rain, to sing in the car, to hold hands while walking down the street, to dance in the pouring down rain in my best clothes and not care because I'm there, caught up, in his arms. I want a love like Shakespeare wrote about. A love like in the movies. I just want to fall, just once, in love with somone that loves me back.

Love Remains The Same

Feels like I'm standing in a timeless dream.
It's been hardly a moment and you are already missed.
Those days of warm sun rays come rushing back to me.
Miles of windless summer night air.
Secret moments shared in the heat of the afternoon.
Roadtrips to the edge of the sea,
To the edge of boundaries,
Rides in cars just wasting gas,
Learning, growing, maturing,
And ashes of cigarettes and songs from distant days,
Are just a part of the memory.
Our mornings are getting colder,
Our nights are getting restless,
And every night,
I fall asleep and sleep in hopes of waking up,
To find that it's all just a dream.
But your bags are packed,
And your plane is leaving early in the morning,
Yet, I find myself is a haze,
Knowing that soon I'll have to face the day,
The day that I will have to say it,
The day I'll have to say goodbye.


This week has been CRAZY so far and it's not over yet. Greyson is moving to Florida in a couple of weeks. It's crazy I know. I'm so happy for him. He has waited so long to go to Florida and finally he is getting the chance. He is starting school in January down there. I'm going to miss him like you wouldn't believe. I don't think anyone will fully understand how much I am going to miss him, but this is so good for him. He needs this and if everything works out, it won't be long before I will be able to join him in the sun. :) I think that it is going to be incredibly hard to say goodbye, which is why I'm not going to. I'm just going to say catch ya later or something along those lines. But that is all I'm going to say about that for now. I woke up this morning to find that besides my school loan that I have to pay back when I graduate, I now owe my school money each month because the loan didn't cover all of it. I didn't know that I was supposed to be paying this until today so I am like three months behind. I owe them over 800 dollars. It sucks but I'm just like add it to the tab. But what sucks the most about it is that I now have no money to buy any Christmas gifts for anyone. I can't even afford the wrapping paper to wrap a gift in which is like fifty cents at Dollar General. It is going to be so hard to wake up Christmas morning and not be able give my family anything. I think I'm just gonna buy them something when I do have the money. It makes me feel like shit and I can't get over it. On top of that, today was the only day that I have off this week and all I wanted to do was just spend the day relaxing. Maybe listen to some music, watch a movie, talk to some friends that I haven't had time to talk to, read a book, or just catch up on some sleeping. But that didn't happen. Instead I spent the whole day just running errands and wasting gas. I didn't get to do anything for myself. I really just need a day. A day to get out and do something for myself. A day to just surround myself in things that don't involve money, college, work, or anything of that sorts. But I don't think I'm gonna get that for awhile. Or at least until things get better in the fucking house. It's okay though. I've got my music. I've got the best friend ever and I've got a smile on my face because I'm listening to a song that just makes me want to dance. And that's cool with me because I love to dance. Although, I will never admit that to anyone because I suck at it, I love to just bust a move in my room while I'm listening to the perfect song. It puts a smile on my face everytime. :)

This one is for you my BFF

Please don't feel that nothing you do helps me. You would be surprised how you help me. You keep me somewhat sane. lol. Trust me love, if you weren't there for me, I would fall to pieces and be the most insane person on this planet. You keep my mind focused off of everything else that is going on in my life. You make me laugh instead of cry and like I've told you before, boy you give us all hope and that includes me. You make me believe that everything is a phase and that eventually things will get better. I just wanted you to know that so that you could see that you don't have to hate the fact that nothing you do can help me, because you do help me. So cheer up boy. I'm gonna get through whatever the fuck it is that I'm going through (which might I add seems to be getting better because that past few days have been really good) and you are going to get through all of this shit that is happening to you. You are going to move to Florida this spring or whenever it is you are going, you are going to help your mother, you are going to get a great job in Florida, go to school or whatever it is that you want, you are going to be there with your brothers, and you are going to meet a great guy, fall madly in love, and finally have your happily ever after. So just put a smile on love because we're gonna make it through. We always do. :)


P.S. come to coudersport. Soon. I need you in my life

Here's To You Mrs. Robinson

I hate the feeling of not knowing. You know that feeling? The one in the back of your mind and in the pit of you stomach. The place where everything seems to matter. Where spontaneity and free will have no power over logic and reality. Instead your mind spends an eternity searching for answers to gain some sort of insight for your oh so oblivious mind. Answers to questions like, what does the future have in store? Who will you fall in love with? Do they love you back? Do they feel the same way about you? What’s going to happen to them? Are they using you? When will you die? Stupid questions like these are what life eventually begins to evolve around. You begin to find yourself completely and utterly caught up in the search because the level of your own insanity relies on the knowledge that you lack. So you search more and more everyday, all the meanwhile losing a piece of yourself with every new puzzle piece you find. Until eventually you lose yourself to the search. Truth be told, however, we’ll never know until we reach the end. Still though, we search for the answers keeping in mind the consequences that we face. Reaching, slowly, the point of no return. The point where you find yourself balanced on balance beam and then someone gives you a push. And you fall. And you keep falling cause you’ve lost all sanity. And then you write poems and blogs like this and you laugh at yourself because you realize what you’ve done. Where you went wrong. And how completely and totally incomprehensible your words really are to every reader that takes a glance. How insane you sound to someone else. And that’s when you know, you’ve lost your spontaneity, your free will, your logic, your reality, yourself.

I've Been Broken Hearted Since The Day This Started

First you love me,
Then you tell me that it’s wrong.
I guess that means players only love you when they’re playing.
You know it’s true.
Cause you only want me once I get over you.
See I’ve got nothing but love for you.
So tell me what you really want to do.
Cause I can’t go on believing this way.
I know loving you,
Isn’t the right thing to do.
But how can I ever change things that I feel?
If I could,
I would give you my world,
But how can I?
When you won’t take it from me?
I’ll be there if you want me to,
So come on and tell me what you want to do.
Cause I’ve got to get some peace in my mind.
Before I loose it all,
Before I loose my mind.

I Love This Movie

So it has been a rough past few days. I don't know exactly what has been wrong with me but whatever. I've dealt. I have been working like crazy. I'm so tired that I could sleep for days. My one friend went back to Virginia and I'm pretty sure she is pissed off at me because she feels that we are no longer as close as we used to be. I haven't really talked to my other friend that much because he has been really busy. But things are actually starting to look up. Today my mother sat me down and we had a really long talk. She explained a lot of things to me. Things that I thought I understood in life but in all reality I don't. I thought that I knew how the world worked and that I could read people. Obviously, as the past week has played out, I'm still young an niave. Whatever. Who cares. So the world will still turn every minute of the day. So I'll still wake up every morning and the sun may or may not shine. Whatever. I'm dealing. But anyway back to what I was saying. Today was a good day. The best day I have had in quite some time. Well, with the exception of my car breaking down and being stranded in town for an hour but other than that, it was good. I talked to some people that I havent' talked to in awhile. Still, though, things don't feel the same but I'm just gonna let whatever happens happen. Right now I am watching only the best movie in the world. I've seen it four times and it still makes me laugh like crazy. Stepbrothers. <- that's the movie cuz i forgot to mention that. But yea I'm sitting here laughing, smoking a cig, and watching stepbrothers. Life is good. Well sort of. It could be better. But still it's good.

Just so you know

Just so you know I think you've changed. You're not who you used to be. I don't know you anymore and I don't know what's going on with you anymore. I miss the old you. Just so you know.

At Seventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said: "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debitures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away the world was younger than today when dreams were all they gave for free to ugly duckling girls like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

Hysteria

Why does everything have to go according to plan? I'm tired. I'm so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of waking up at three in the morning to a room black with emptiness. I'm tired of feeling the emptiness. I'm tired of doing everything that everyone else wants me to just because that's the way it's supposed to be. I'm tired of coming home to a house with no internet, tv, phone service, food, or a family. I'm tired of working at a shitty job everyday and never having anything to show for it. I'm tired of paying the bills because no one else can. I'm tired of everyone getting sick. I'm tired of everyone dying. I'm tired of being alone all the time because no one is ever around. Everyone I care about is gone. I'm tired of being me. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate everything. I think I'll die and start over again. What do you think? I say let's make one last plan.

Sober

I don't think I know you anymore.
I don't think you know me anymore.
I don't think we are us anymore.
I think too much has changed.
I think you're too far away.
I think you're too far gone.
And I think you'll only go farther.
I wish things could change.
But we know they can't
So I just take it
And you'll just leave it,
And we'll go our separate ways.

Everything I Ask For

Cowgirls don't cry.
Ride, baby, ride.
Lessons in life are gonna show you in time,
Soon enough you're gonna know why.
It's gonna hurt every now and then,
But if you fall,
Get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry.




P.S. Missing you like crazy Mr. VanPelt. Get a hold of me somehow. :)

Big Girls Don't Cry

It's that feeling in the pit of your stomache,
When you get the call,
That they are gone.
It's that tear that you can't help but shed,
When you realize they are no more.
It's wishing that it's all a dream,
And that soon you will wake up,
When you feel the hurt once more.
It's the line in the middle of the poem,
That makes you want to scream,
When you realize what's really going on.
It's the fact that you can't help,
Feeling like it's all about to crash,
And you can't help but fall.
Fall to pieces,
Fall to the ground,
Fall behind,
Of everything you've ever known.
It's realizing that you really are alone,
Because everyone you've ever known lies,
Cheats,
And breaks promises they can not keep.
So why trust?
Why believe?
When this is all just a dream?

Lost and Insecure

Do you know what your fate is?
Do you know it will all work out in the end?
How do you know?
Well bless my soul,
You're a lonely soul.
Cause you always let go of everything you've ever had.
Do you miss the past?
Do you miss the you that you once had?
Do you think that you can find it,
Better than you've ever had it?
And leave the rest behind?
Well bless my soul,
You're a still a lonely soul,
Cause you believe that you could.
And in the end,
You'll say that you found god on the corner,
Where tenth street meet Haight.
And you'll find that you're just a little late.
Smoking your last cigarette,
Lying on the floor,
You'll give anything,
Just to get back the you that you once had,
With the girl you lost.
The only one that ever really knew who you are.
You're broken blessed lonely soul.

.......nothing........

How do I separate the fact from fiction?
How do I know wrong from right?
Is the person that I've known,
All along,
Really someone else?
Does the person that I have grown to love and trust,
Really not exist?
How do I know if you want me to go?
How do I know if you want me to stay?
Maybe you want me to go.
Maybe I should go.
But I don't even know what to think.
I'm so confused.
I'm so lost.
I wonder if it all will end.
I wonder if this is it.
I wonder why I wonder,
About things like that.
I don't know.

My Reflection Shows

I hate the mirror on the wall. I hate the person staring back at me. I hate the way she looks as she stares right through me. I don't want to be her. I want to rip the flesh from her bones and play Picasso for a day, just so I can paint it all over again. Maybe this time, a little bit more like the girl I want her to be. I hate the shape she forms. I hate the space she occupies because skinny is not in her dictionary. I despise the way she looks on the outside and I can't stand who she is on the inside. I want more than just simple flesh tones and a half-hearted smile. I want more than just some freak with mascara running down her face because she can't hold back. I hate the way she stares at me after a shower because the time she spent praying just to relax under a waterfall of hot water, was really time she that she fought the silence because it was screaming the truth. I hate the scars on her arms and legs. I hate what they mean and I hate the temptation that she fights off everday just to keep the blood from trickling down her sleeve. I hate her eyes because they see the real me. I hate her smile because it's so fake. I hate the person she was and the person she is and the person she will become. I hate that she exists. I hate that she is me.

Fairytale Endings and Black & White

Say your sorry,
That face of an angel.
Comes out just when you need it to.
And I paced back and forth all this time.
Cause I honestly believed in you.
Holding on,
And days drag on.
Stupid girl,
I should have known.
Maybe I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes,
And never really had a chance.
I had so many dreams,
About you and me.
Happy endings,
Now I know.
And here you are sitting there,
Begging for forgivness,
Begging for me,
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry.
I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
And lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood.
This is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you,
And you let me down.
Now it's too late for you and your white horse,
To come around.

(Taylor Swift)


This song explains it all.

END THIS PLEASE

Omg please just stop. I can't take anymore. I don't want this. I don't know how to do this anymore. Please just make it stop. Make the pain just go away. Make me forget about it. Make me foreget about this feeling. I seriously can't do this anymore. I'm begging, I'm praying, I'm wishing for this to go away. So won't you please just stop telling me because I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.

Its All Cool....NO REALLY

I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to react.
I don't know how to feel this feeling,
And not be able to act.
I don't know how to help you.
I don't know what all is wrong.
And I feel that times,
Can make us stronger,
But I believe you push away.
I believe I have talked a little too much about me,
In the past few pages of our history.
And I believe you get annoyed.
But I don't know what to do.
And I don't know what I know anymore.

You're Such a Character

Why does everything have to change? I mean really. The leaves change, seasons change, places change, time changes, people change, and you change yourself. Why does there have to be so much change. Do you think that father luck just wakes up and notices that one day everything is too right for you so he decides that now is the time for change? I don't know the answer. I don't think that anyone really does. In all reality, I think that things have to change so that no one person can truly be happy forever. One thing I do know is that I honestly do hate holidays. I lie and tell people that I love this time of year, but I really don't. I do enjoy the music, the decorations, the lights, and the warmth that their appears to be, but no holiday ever works out for me. I always fight with someone. Usually it's my mom and this season we are getting an early start it seems. It's the day before Thanksgiving and we're already fighting. It's always about something stupid too, like where I spent my day. I don't know why it's so hard for her and I just to get along. Earlier this week, we had spent three days together and everything was going great. But I knew sooner or later, I would do something that labeled me stupid or a failure. Whatever. I'm learning to live with it. You would think that after twenty years, I would walk away without a scratch. Still, however, I don't. It still bothers me, even though I try not to let it show. Maybe I really am stupid. Maybe I really am a failure. But whatever I am, I would rather be that than abide by all of her rules. I don't want to be the perfect daughter. I'm happy with who I am.

An Ode to You My Love

So you lie. So you're a liar. Big deal. It doesn't matter. Anyone that hates you for it, isn't someone that you need. And I may be so bold as to post this for you to read, but I feel that you must know the truth. So I risk the wierdness and anger that you might feel by the end of it all. I'm not gonna lie though and sit here and tell you that I don't care that you lie to me, when I really do. I'm not mad about it, I just wish that you felt that you could tell me the truth. I think that the way that you lie, is your defense mechanism. I think that you feel that you, the real you on the inside, is not good enough to let through. I think that you're afraid that if you show someone the real you, they won't be there for you in the end. I think these things and I watch your actions and I wish that I knew how to make it better for you. I know you're thinking, "ugh how cliche," because I think the same thing. But the funny thing is, it's true. There are times, when I think you let your guard down, and I catch a glimpse of the real you or at least I think it's you. I'll never know really. I don't think that you're an imbecile. I don't find you to be fake. I don't think that you're an asshole. I think that you have a past that you cannot tell people. I think that you have things about you, that are too difficult for you to bare and opening up to tell someone, only causes you more pain. And I think that when you say that you're a liar and you don't care if someone hates it, you're lying. So I say this to you, as someone that loves you. As someone that cares about you. As your friend. As your best friend. I do care that you feel that you have to lie. But I don't care that you lie. I'm your friend and I care about you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here until the end. I'm here until you decide you don't need me anymore. So you can continue to lie to me because I understand why. It doesn't bother me. I love you hunny bun and you're the prettiest person I've ever met. :)



P.S. I miss you too Greyson VanPelt and I hope that I will be seeing you soon enough :)

I'm Already Gone

Kill this please.
Won't you just kill me please.
Cause it would be so much better than feeling like this.
So much better than wishing for this.
Lie to me please.
Won't you just trick me please.
Cause it would be so much better than hurting like this.
So much better than failing like this.
Cause it's two a.m.
And you're gone.
And I'm alone.
Wondering if it's something that I did.
End this please.
Won't you just leave me please.
Cause it would be so much better than this.
So much better than emptiness.

You Belong With Me

Maybe I'm weak,
And maybe you're strong.
Maybe I'm tired of feeling so wrong.
And maybe you're right.
There's got to be more to this life,
Then just the simplicities of tonight.
Still I catch my breath,
When you touch my hand.
Fighting the urge to fall,
I lose the will to stand.
Maybe I didn't want to need you.
Maybe I didn't want to want you like I do.
I didn't mean to fall,
Maybe I didn't mean to care at all.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
Cause I lose myself to the fight.
And I hold on with all of my might.
To the thought of growing old with you.
To the wholeness I feel with you.
So maybe I'm weak,
And maybe you're strong.
But there's got to be more to this life,
Then the simplicity of this fight.

Peace, Love and Equality

And for real, you can just bite me. That is the attitude that I have right now. For real, these past two days have been outrageous. It all started yesterday when one of my co-workers decided to make a statment that I have literally been fuming about for the past 24 hours. For those of you that don't know me, I am a person who very much embraces the concepts of peace, love, and equality. Recently, however, it has come to my attention that our so called "everyone is created equal" nation is trying to ban the allowance of marriage for the gay community. I am not gay, but my best friend is so this issue also affects me in a way. I love him and he is no different than me. He loves just like I do. But some people have a problem with who he loves. I don't understand why this is such a problem. Love is love right? No matter who it is shared with. I believe that the gay community should be allowed to get married. In fact, I believe that everyone is entitled to marry, no matter their sexual orientation, color, race, ethnicity, religion, etc. It's rediculous how people are today. Ugh...it just pisses me off. But anyway back to the story. I was carrying on a conversation with my co-worker, whom is bi, about prop 8. After explaining to him what it is, he then proceeded to tell me that for someone who is supposedly not gay, I sure care a lot about the equality of the gay community. This outraged me. Seriously? So because I believe that everyone is created equal and I believe that everyone is entitled to their god-given rights and that the gay community should be allowed to get married, I'm gay? Why is that? I have to be gay to suppor the gay community? Where is that stated as a fact? Helloooooo.....my best friend is gay and so I'm going to support him in everything that he is. But even if my best friend was not gay, I would still support the gay community. I think that it is rediculous that in today's society, if we suppor the minority, that makes us one of them? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I am offended to be called gay because I'm not. I know that I am straight. I like men. That is who I am. I can't help that no more than anyone else, no matter if they are gay or straight. But just because I believe in equality, all of sudden I have to be gay. I wish that this world could just open their eyes and see that this Utopia that they are trying to create is never going to happen. People are different. Everyone is different. There is no normal. So why is it such a big deal to strive to reach normal? Don't set about making statmetns like all is created equal if you are going to then turn around and condemn someone for being who they are? Don't take away their rights! Don't tell them that God will one day condemn them for their actions! Don't take away their right to love! Don't take away who they are! You can't! No matter how hard you try. So this is me, a straight white 19 year old female standing up for what she believes in. Peace, Love, and Equality. So stop spreading the h8. For reals. Grow the fuck up and stop being so afraid that they may rock your world from it's steady place. Get ready for change because hunny, change is a coming.

Random Thought For the Twentieth Hour Of The Day

So it is pretty much decided that I need a well deserved vacation where I can sleep till the end of time. :) But no instead I'm sitting here finishing up some school work so that I can miss my seminar tonight and attempt to get enough sleep before I head to work tomorrow at 5:30. Ugh....I hate mornings. All I want to do is hit the snooze button and lock the world out until about 5 at night. But it neve happens. You know what show I hate more than anything in the world. Freaking Antique Roadshow. My mother is like obsessed with it, just like any other 48 year old female that replaces their yen for romance and passion with the simple mystique of an antique. She used to just collect them. Now she is obsessed with them. She sits and watches this show and I just have to laugh at the people on there. For real. They show up with the dumbest stuff and pretend to be all calm and collect when they realize that the puke green vase that grandma left them after her 12 year struggle with cancer is worth a quarter of a million dollars. And the other funny thing is that they always hold the show in a mall somewhere. Like everyone in the world is just carrying around huge colonial antique chests with them when they go out to look for a new candle for the living room at the mall. I know I always do. Oh and I just love how to make the show so much more fun....they throw in a random british historian to tell the person just how much there item is worth because to us Americans, everything sounds so much better with an English accent. Well at least hot guys always sound so much better with an English accent. :) Anywhoo....I'm bored with this tonight. I don't really have anything to talk about. Just living life and doing it well. :) So I'm gonna go lock myself in my room. Far away from the sound of the British historian telling the lady dressed in tye-dye that her painting that her childhood neighbor gave her for Christmas is worth $10,000. Why should I share her excitement when I'm working at McDonalds. Oh well, at least I keep it real. :)


Nighty night all



P.S. Must Read book -> Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Yes, it's 710 pages long but it is so worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!


peace to all
night

Death and How I'm Dealing

So someone close to my family died today and the worst part was that I was at the ambulance hall, talking to the crew about a call they had just gotten back from where a 47 year old man had suffered from a cardiac arrest and died, when I got the news. Little did I know was that the 47 year old man that they had been referring to, was someone I knew. It's weird that feeling you get when you receive news like that. You swallow your stomache and for a split second the world, including your heart, stops. All that's left is you and your thoughts and you don't know whether to break down and cry like the world is ending, or whether you should just pretend that you're fine and save the breakdown for a later place and time. Funny thing is that this time, I didn't cry. I couldnt cry. I don't understand why, but I couldn't shed a single tear. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet and some time in the near future I will wake up and have a day where I cry over spilt milk literally because that is how things usually work for me. I hate death probably more than anything in the world. Yes, I may be selfish, but I'm sorry I would rather not lose someone that I care about. I think it scares me really. The thought that someone's body has ceased to function and that the person that you once knew, like the palm of your hand, is no longer there is the worst feeling ever. I guess I also deal with death a lot differently than most people. I don't like to recognize it. I would so much just rather think that the person is just on some extended vacation. I don't know. Today has been long and I am tired. I have been up since 5 this morning so sleep is well overdue. I'm sorry that tonight's post was not that cheerful, rather it was more depressing than anything I guess. But what can I say. I guess I'm grieving. But anyway, goodnight you princes of dreams and you princesses of hope. Tomorrow I'll find you over a cup of coffee and a morning thought. :)

The Dashboard of my mind is clutterd with the thought of you

So I know that I haven't updated in awhile. So here is a quickie. Life has been unexpectedly unpredictable lately. The best friend was home this past weekend, which was absolutely wonderful. Got to catch up with him and spend some time with him. Sadly, however, like all good things, it came to an end, and he departed for Allentown Tuesday afternoon. The days that have followed have been amazing though. I went back to work and caught up with some friends there. I have been doing quite a bit of laughing lately and getting to know a lot more people. I had a really long conversation with a new friend at work that opened my eyes to a lot of things. Kendra is coming home with the baby on the twenty-fifth and I'm oh so incredibly excited. It has been almost three months since I have last saw her. Her baby is adorable and I can't wait to spoil it like crazy. I also heard from an old friend yesterday. My friend Tasha had moved to Jamestown unexpectedly a few months ago and I hadn't heard from her. I didn't even know where she was, until she called. She is coming home this weekend to visit some of her family. So I get to see her. I can't wait. I have missed her a lot too. Tasha, Kendra, and I have been friends since third grade. So you can only imagine, how hard it is not to have them around all the time. I have also been doing a lot of relaxing lately. For example, I slept in today for the first time in what seems like an eternity. When I finally managed to scrounge up enough energy, I got up and showered and then began to continue to read from the same book I have been trying to finish for the past two years. Surprisingly enough, I was able to get a lot of the reading done. So basically that's my life up to date. Sorry that nothing profound or wicked happened. But what can I say, I lead an utterly boring, natural, sometimes depressing life. But I am me. So I roll with it and make due. :)

If you can give it, I can take it. Cuz if this heart is gonna break, it's gonna take a lot to break it.

I hold on so nervously,
To one last drink.
While the smell of a burned out cigarette,
Still lingers in the air,
I light some incense and stare into the moonlight.
Submerging into the pool of thought,
I catch a high off of some old memory.
Nervous hands and anxious smiles,
Spirits left without the flesh,
A perfect display of affection,
That seems so far away,
Like miles and miles.
I shift position,
And take a breath,
But the memory hits.
Like a drug,
I get my fix.
As scenes pass by the retina of my eye,
A song plays in the background of my mind.
Like the ones we used to sing,
When the feeling of dancing around barefoot,
In the street was still so new.
We talked about life,
And the theories of our minds,
Back when we were oblivious,
To the logic found in reality.
We tip-toed around the edge of insanity.
Swallowing the last of the brew within my cup,
My thought process begins to lack.
And I find myself,
Consumed in the reality of the present tense.
And I swear to myself,
I'll never drink again.

I'm Seeing In Me Now, The Things You Swear You Saw Back Then

So these past two days have been INSANE. My friend Kendra just had a baby. She is adorable. Can't wait to see her. Which means that Kendra is coming home in like two weeks. YAY!!!! Last night was a fucking blast. Really needed it. Got completely wasted. Spent the whole night dancing, laughing, talking, and attempting to watch a movie. The whole movie thing didn't work out so well but whatever. Woke up this morning completely hungover and regretting some of last night. Ended up txting some people and had a conversation with someone that was a little weird but in a weird way made me kind of happy. Okay... so then Tameca and I spent an hour eating breakfast with the grandmother and then just sitting around the table, drinking coffee, and discussing the various aspects and philosophies of life. It was great let me tell ya. I don't think I have laughed that hard in like forever. Then, cleaned up the basement from lastnight, and preceded to head into town to take Tameca home in pajamas. I had no idea what I looked like until I pulled into McDonalds to get soemthign to drink and my friend Rachel was like "Had a fun night last night?" After dropping Tameca off, I went home where I spent a good three hours helping my mother clean her room. That was awkward and yet a good time because I don't think my mother and I have laughed that hard in forever. Now I am sitting here checking my myspace and writing this blog before Tameca and I go out. First we are going to Moches where we will help some freinds celebrate a birthday. Then we are going to a party at one of our friend's houses from Port. It's gonna be a killer let me tell ya. Then I have to work tomorrow but then I am going out again tomorrow night. I am determined to have a good time. :) So until I manage to update this again I hope this sounds a little more cheerful then my prior posts.

The Lord Of The Rings Suck and I Love Pizza

So I discovered something that really pisses me off today. I absolutely despise it when people look at you and they give you that sort of "I'm soooo BETTER than you!" A lot of people have been doing that to me lately. Usually from the low lives that go through the drive thru at my place of work. HELLO!!!!! I'm not you and I never will be. Who are you to judge me. Just because I work at a fast food restaurant and hate my job, doesn't mean that you have the right to look at me and think to yourself, "Wow, what a pitty." I don't need your sympathy. I'm an intelligent person and I have several qualities that make me BETTER than you. Reason why? Because I'm the fucking shit and that's that. So, second rant of the day. To a so called love one of mine, I have been frequently referred to as a failure. But excuse me for not wanting to follow your footsteps and have a life of my own. I'm not perfect. No one ever is. Quirks are what makes us who we are. I am different. There is no other person like me. I am unique. I am myself. I choose my happiness. I choose my freedom. I choose my individuality. Yes, I may be young and I don't have my future figured out quite yet. But where is the experience in making a life of your own when someone is throwing the future they want for you down your god damn throat. So let me find ways to express who I am the way I want to. Let me live my life. Let me find myself. I appreciate a little guidance, but I don't need a rulebook. And with all my rants of the day out of the way, here is an update on me. I am incredibly fed up with the common cold and I am exhausted. Having to be at work the past two days at five thirty in the morning, I haven't had exactly the best night's sleep in a few days. Luckily, however, this weekend, I am determined to go out and have fun. The best friend might come home and that would be kick ass but if he doesn't, I think I will go out with my other friends who are home from college. Anyway, I'm tired and I'm rambling, and I'm almost positive that you didnt' really need to know all this. So I am going to leave it on this note. Obama for president. Bitch you know he is going to win and if he doesn't, then I just might have to rant some more. :) Don't lie, you love it.

Sidenote

Forgot to add in the prior post that I found a new band yesterday. I enjoy some of their stuff. They are not exactly the greastest thing that I have ever heard, but their song Wake Up The Sun has been stuck in my head all day. Listen to them. Their name is The Matches. You might absolutely despise them, or you might absolutely love them. You won't know till you try them out. :)

Silent Legacy

Something happened to me today, an epiphany you might say. See, it was early morning, and I had been up way before the sun. Sitting in my car on break, I was frustrated due to my lack of hibernation. I was wrecked, overblown, and fed up with the common cold. But for some reason the aroma of coffee and cigarettes made me feel a little more sane. A tune was playing in the back of my mind, as I thought about the hours to come throughout the day. And as one particular thought began to fade away, I noticed something trivial. Now had it have been, that I am the type of person that loves being woken up to a door slam and another illusion of a dream I had the night before, I might not have noticed the sunlight brush against my hand. Blinded by its brightness, I redirected my view out the window to my left. There he was. See living in a small town has many disadvantages. One, I might add, is the fact that everyone knows everyone. But this guy was not your typical rundown hillbilly native to this town. You could tell just by looking at him, that his day was no better than mine. But unlike me, he seemed to be filled with such high hopes. His clothes were old and plain, and I’m sure that had I been outside of the comfort zone of my Ford Explorer, I might have noticed a certain odor radiating from his pores. Yes, you guessed it, he was a bum. But he was unlike any bum I have ever seen. Just watching his various mannerisms, you could tell that he was not trying to conceal who he was. He knows that he is nothing special but for some unknown philosophical reason, he continues to move on. Walking down the sidewalk of this good for nothing two-stop town, he held his head up high. And I just sat there, sipping my first coffee of the day, totally consumed and amazed by this stranger. That’s when it hit me. He is lucky. He has no material worth, but he knows that with every cold dark night, there is always a dawn. He does not spend his time living in the shadows searching for the possibility of a maybe. No, instead he chooses to step into the light to a world filled with certainty. And because this man had passed my way during my thirty five minute break, I spent the rest of my day in a daze. Constantly pondering the what if’s of life. This bum somehow gave me a little hope for some sort of change to come. So as I lay here tonight, telling you the details of my life, I raise a glass of apple juice to the idea of today being the last day I spend in the grey shadows of the background. Tomorrow, I think, I’ll step into the light.

Sunsets and Cigarettes

As I sit here finishing up my cigarette, I think about the days that have passed. And every one of these days have been like hell, leaving me with one more scar. So much has happened and this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is starting to feel like home. I'm ready for a change, but I find myself stuck somewhere between the end of an ending, and the beginning of a beginning. It's like I'm looking at a view from my review mirror, and everything that I have ever known is standing behind me watching me drive away. I want to turn around, and normally, I always turn the car around, but in this particular scenario, I just push the pedal a little further to the floor. Two of my friends just received word that the college that they have been participating in for the past few months has been cancelled. In all reality, the college that the class was offered through and the people that were instructing the class are the ones to blame. They just ruined the future of eighteen people and two of those people are the people that mean the most to me in my life. My one friend has a great job right now but she is currently working on attempting to pay back some prior students loans. She has been considering moving to Pittsburgh to further her education but she is quite sure. She knows she wants a good education but really, she is just as confused as I am right now. I know there is more going on with her right now, but she has never really been that type of person that opens up and tells you everything that is going through her mind right now. She tells me a lot but I guess she is just as upset and stressed as I am right now. In fact my other friend is too. He, on the other hand, also has an excellent job too. The only problem is he hates it. In fact, he pretty much hates everything in his life right now. He is planning on moving in January. He wants to go to the coast to chase his dreams. I think I worry the most about him. If the coast is where his future lies, I hope that everything works out for him. But I worry that that the friendship that we have will cease the moment that he steps foot on that plane. He has asked me to move with him but something is holding me back. In fact, I guess that I shouldn't say that there is just one something because there are really quite a few something. I worry about not being financially secure and the fact that something might happen between him and I, and the friendship that we have will end. In the past year, him and I have become so close. He has sort of become that one person that I can tell anything to. He has become my way of showing the world a side of me that is a little less complicated because we are always out there doing something that keeps the focus off the hell that we call our lives. We have been through so much together and I know that I can sit here and hope that things will stay the same and we can promise each other that things won't change. But in all reality, they always do. I guess, however, I worry way too much. In fact, recently, someone told me that I think too much about the consequences of things, rather than just being spontaneous and doing them. I wish that I could be spontaneous and not worry about the outcome of things. But I have always dwelled too much on the past and the future. Recently, a concept has been expressed to me that has left a serious impact. Happiness is something that we choose. May it be school in Pittsburgh, or a summer's day on the coast, we make or break ourselves. If happiness is something that we choose, I choose happiness. I may not know where it is, and I may never know until I find it, but it is what I want. But while my friends are out there making a name for themselves, I sit here in a cold dark room in November, lighting another cigarette, and contemplate my life in a blog. Dwelling on the past and thinking about the future that I know is miles away, I take another hit. If happiness is really out there, it is something that I want. So while my friends move to Pittsburgh and chase some dreams along the coast, I just sit here and take another puff.

Eminence Front

Take the air out of my lungs,
And enshroud the world from me.
Close my eyes,
And take a leap,
From everything that is me.
Because I'm so tired of fighting,
A battle I know I'll never win.
When everything is against the odds,
I fall another step behind the crowd.
The rage within me boils,
Keeping me from ever really feeling fine.
Still I continue to walk a path that seems to wind,
While shadows cloud the sky above me,
Concealing all the light,
Devising a world full of darkness,
I stand with blood running down my arm.
Because everyone has given up on me,
I stumble to the ground,
Lift my hands above my head,
And pray.
Pray for forgiveness,
For refuge,
For freedom,
For peace,
For hope,
For a reason finally just to stay,
Here.