Death and How I'm Dealing

So someone close to my family died today and the worst part was that I was at the ambulance hall, talking to the crew about a call they had just gotten back from where a 47 year old man had suffered from a cardiac arrest and died, when I got the news. Little did I know was that the 47 year old man that they had been referring to, was someone I knew. It's weird that feeling you get when you receive news like that. You swallow your stomache and for a split second the world, including your heart, stops. All that's left is you and your thoughts and you don't know whether to break down and cry like the world is ending, or whether you should just pretend that you're fine and save the breakdown for a later place and time. Funny thing is that this time, I didn't cry. I couldnt cry. I don't understand why, but I couldn't shed a single tear. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet and some time in the near future I will wake up and have a day where I cry over spilt milk literally because that is how things usually work for me. I hate death probably more than anything in the world. Yes, I may be selfish, but I'm sorry I would rather not lose someone that I care about. I think it scares me really. The thought that someone's body has ceased to function and that the person that you once knew, like the palm of your hand, is no longer there is the worst feeling ever. I guess I also deal with death a lot differently than most people. I don't like to recognize it. I would so much just rather think that the person is just on some extended vacation. I don't know. Today has been long and I am tired. I have been up since 5 this morning so sleep is well overdue. I'm sorry that tonight's post was not that cheerful, rather it was more depressing than anything I guess. But what can I say. I guess I'm grieving. But anyway, goodnight you princes of dreams and you princesses of hope. Tomorrow I'll find you over a cup of coffee and a morning thought. :)