Sunsets and Cigarettes

As I sit here finishing up my cigarette, I think about the days that have passed. And every one of these days have been like hell, leaving me with one more scar. So much has happened and this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is starting to feel like home. I'm ready for a change, but I find myself stuck somewhere between the end of an ending, and the beginning of a beginning. It's like I'm looking at a view from my review mirror, and everything that I have ever known is standing behind me watching me drive away. I want to turn around, and normally, I always turn the car around, but in this particular scenario, I just push the pedal a little further to the floor. Two of my friends just received word that the college that they have been participating in for the past few months has been cancelled. In all reality, the college that the class was offered through and the people that were instructing the class are the ones to blame. They just ruined the future of eighteen people and two of those people are the people that mean the most to me in my life. My one friend has a great job right now but she is currently working on attempting to pay back some prior students loans. She has been considering moving to Pittsburgh to further her education but she is quite sure. She knows she wants a good education but really, she is just as confused as I am right now. I know there is more going on with her right now, but she has never really been that type of person that opens up and tells you everything that is going through her mind right now. She tells me a lot but I guess she is just as upset and stressed as I am right now. In fact my other friend is too. He, on the other hand, also has an excellent job too. The only problem is he hates it. In fact, he pretty much hates everything in his life right now. He is planning on moving in January. He wants to go to the coast to chase his dreams. I think I worry the most about him. If the coast is where his future lies, I hope that everything works out for him. But I worry that that the friendship that we have will cease the moment that he steps foot on that plane. He has asked me to move with him but something is holding me back. In fact, I guess that I shouldn't say that there is just one something because there are really quite a few something. I worry about not being financially secure and the fact that something might happen between him and I, and the friendship that we have will end. In the past year, him and I have become so close. He has sort of become that one person that I can tell anything to. He has become my way of showing the world a side of me that is a little less complicated because we are always out there doing something that keeps the focus off the hell that we call our lives. We have been through so much together and I know that I can sit here and hope that things will stay the same and we can promise each other that things won't change. But in all reality, they always do. I guess, however, I worry way too much. In fact, recently, someone told me that I think too much about the consequences of things, rather than just being spontaneous and doing them. I wish that I could be spontaneous and not worry about the outcome of things. But I have always dwelled too much on the past and the future. Recently, a concept has been expressed to me that has left a serious impact. Happiness is something that we choose. May it be school in Pittsburgh, or a summer's day on the coast, we make or break ourselves. If happiness is something that we choose, I choose happiness. I may not know where it is, and I may never know until I find it, but it is what I want. But while my friends are out there making a name for themselves, I sit here in a cold dark room in November, lighting another cigarette, and contemplate my life in a blog. Dwelling on the past and thinking about the future that I know is miles away, I take another hit. If happiness is really out there, it is something that I want. So while my friends move to Pittsburgh and chase some dreams along the coast, I just sit here and take another puff.