Idk....Just one of those bad days

When I was little, I absolutely loved Christmas time. It was my favorite time of the year. There were so many traditions. I can remember going three or four weeks before Christmas with my mom and sister and picking out a Christmas tree. Mom always said that we couldn't get a very big one but we always managed to talk her into letting us get a six or seven foot tree. Then we would bring it home, put on some Christmas music, make some hot chocolate, and decorate the tree. Then once we were finished we would watch a Christmas special on the twenty five days of Christmas and just laugh and talk and sip hot chocolate. I loved seeing all the decorations and the lights. It was the one time of the year when problems didn't seem that bad. Happiness and love were things that everyone could feel. And I remember Christams Eve night was always really special. It was my birthday and I always hated how mom always had to work. I used to sit by door and just watch the clock until she would get home. Then she would always bring a cake and we would have a special dinner that my grandma would fix. I never had a party since it was Christmas Eve and most of my friends were busy with their families, but my mom and grandma always made it special. I got to pick what we had for dinner. And then we would eat cake and ice cream and I would open up a few gifts. Then once all that was said and done, we would watch the weather channel to see where Santa was. Then mom would always say that Santa wouldn't come if we weren't in bed. So grandma would take me and Brooke back to our beds and tell us story and then we would all go to sleep. Grandma would sleep in the bed and Brooke and I on the floor. And I could never sleep. I couldn't wait to wake up. I would wake up so early that after we would unwrap presents, my mom would make us take a nap. And there were always so many presents. But this year is so hard. It's not Christmas. So much is going on right now in my life. My family has no money. I have no money. People were talking today at work about what they were getting for Christmas and what they were getting other people, but I can't do that. My family only has enough money to get each person one gift. And it hurts me because that was the time of year that I looked forward to being able to spend all the money that I saved up all year long on the people that have been there the most for me. I can't afford to buy my mom, my sister, or my grandma anything special. And they can't afford to on me. And we can't even find time to decorate the house. I always have to work or do school. And tonight they started decorating without me. It's not Christmas. It's not my Christmas. Yes, this may be dumb to everyone out there but I don't care. If you could remember Christmas' the way I do, you would be sad too. So yes, I'm crying. I'm crying because it's December 18 and Christmas is just going to be another day to me. It's not magical anymore and I'm crying because not only is this going to be the worst Christmas ever, but my best friend is moving too. And until now I haven't thought about it. I purposely refused to. But this is the fourth time that someone I love and trust has moved away from me and it hurts. And I can't stop thinking about all of this. I just want something. Idk what ... I just need something.