Just Let Me try

I tried to tell my grandma that I am planning on moving to Florida and it didn't go over very well. She says she worries about my safety. That because my best friend is gay, that I will be subjected to an environment where people who hate the gay community will not only hurt him but also might try to hurt me. To which, I replied, people are like that everywhere you go and we have dealt. She said she knows and that she worries enough about his safety let alone mine. That she think of him as a member of the family and hopes that everything works out for him. To which I was happy to hear, with exception that she worries about my safety because there are so many other problems in the world that people have to deal with. She said that now that my friend has moved away, it might be easier for me to go out an find someone. Someone that I can have the same friendship with but also might enjoy their company in an intimate way as well. At this point I began to get up from the table. To which she recieved as a direct blow to her comments, automatically thinking that I am angry with her. I try to walk away and just say I'm tired or something. To which, she says you are mad at me. I turned and asked why everyone thinks that the relationship that I have with my gay best friend is ruining my love life. I had no one before him. So why is it his fault that no one cares for me like that. Couldn't the reason be that I am not appealing enough? Couldn't it be that there are not enought men here in this small town? I tell her that I don't want to talk because it makes me sad and that I apologize if it makes her feel bad. I knew that if I stayed, I would only grow increasingly angry with her and frankly I didn't want to fight. I just wish that because my mother and my grandmother care for me so much and want what's best for me, that they could see that I am not chasing my best friend across the country for his sake, but for my own. Because I'm tired of the quietness of this small town and the scenery painted in green. I'm tired of the people in this town and the close mindedness that they condone. I'm dying here and I have a shot at a cure. That cure is the sunny beaches of the coast. Sarasota is not a step in the wrong direction but more of a leap towards the right direction. I'm not chasing Greyson. We are just great friends that think that it would be easier on our own, if we had a great friend there to hold our hand. I don't know. I'm close to just giving up.

Help Me Chase The Shadows Away

What if they were all right?
What if everything that they said was true?
What if I was a fool to believe in simple lies created in my mind?
Could I have overlooked and overturned,
Everything I have ever learned?
What if I wasted all of my emotion on a false belief?
Could I have been such a child,
And believed that the truth was too incomprehensible?
Was I really used?
Did I fall into a spell?
Did I possibly think that it was enough just to stand there,
As me?
That we were really okay?
So maybe I was,
Maybe I wasn't?
I'll never know.
But at least I lived.
At least I breathed.
At least I tried.
And what I had will never fade away like memory.
It will linger always.
So I cannot be mad.

Confessions Part 1 and 2

I have a confession to make. Something that I discovered today. I enjoy sex. Like alot. And I kinda thought that I was your normal human being and that the fact that I have and enjoy sex a lot was just normal. But I discovered today that I use sex to make myself feel better. About two hours ago, I was sitting here not feeling all that great, annoyed by some people, and had some things on my mind. So the first thought that comes into my head is oooohhhh how about some sex. And we all know what that led to. It was good sex. I mean really good sex. It was really hot sex too. But then when it was all over, I was like okay ummm...im bored. Which leads me to my second point. I hate small talk. I don't like small talk when you run into your mother's bosses' wive's first son at the grocery store and attempt to act like you care. I mean hellooooooo come on. You both know that niether one of you can remember the other person's name or how you know them, yet people always stand there and make small talk. As if the situation isn't awkward enough, let's add some how are you?'s and what have you been up to?'s even though you know you aren't going to pay attention to the details of their lives as they spill their guts to you. You just want to quickly move on and buy that loaf of bread you originally come into the store for. But okay, back to my point and I do have one. As if small talk in any situation is bad, let's talk about small talk before sex. I mean okay. If any of you out there have ever been involved in a friend's with benefits relationship with anyone, you know that the only reason why you are really meeting up with that person is to get a little action. That's all I was looking for. OH GOD HE PISSES ME OFF!!!!! Don't sit there and be like soooo...."how have you been?" "how is work?" "when did you get your nose pierced?" "I like your car" when really you have no intention of even caring the slightest when I give a response. Seriously, you never cared before, so why start now when I'm only looking for a little fun. God. For real. You don't like me even if you keep telling me that. I can't trust you to even think about liking you. So just stop with the "we are such great friends" bullshit. Let's just have a little fun and then go back to our normal lives.

It's you

I'm holding on to you.
I'm holding on to truth.
And the only thing I got going for me,
Is you.
I've found hope,
At the bottom of the bottle.
And I've finally found the light,
In the pinkness of my scars.
Still through it all,
The only thing I needed,
Was you.
Cause you watched me fall,
You offered me a hand.
Helped me to my feet,
So that I could start again.
Wiped the tear from my eye,
And you taught me not to throw away,
The garbage that was me.
So I layed my head down on your chest,
As it moved up and down,
Listening to the sound of your heart,
Building me a home.
Cause what I had,
And all that I needed,
Was you.
And you're still here,
In the end,
Where the chapter begins to close,
And I realized that the best part about me,
The thing I look forward to the most,
Is you.

Times are a changing

So here is an update on how the holiday went. Christmas was okay. It was difficult not to be able to give as much back to my family as I would have liked to, however it was nice. I got to spend some time with the family and also the best friend came home which was amazing. I was able to spend some time with him and also see some other friends that I haven't seen in awhile. However, Greyson left this morning. It was hard. Like really hard. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry. But I did. It was terrible. It was raining, I couldn't see through the tears and the rain, and to top it all off, every song on the radio was about moving away or saying goodbye to someone. Oh god. It was bad. I thought maybe I wouldn't cry so bad because of the fact that I have gotten so used to having to say goodbye to him. But it wasn't the same this time because I know that I won't be seeing him soon. All the other times that he has left, I could look forward to seeing him again in a couple of weeks or what not. But not this time. This time, he isn't just going to be 3 1/2 hours away or 5 1/2 hours away. No, he is going to be like a two hour plane ride away. Hopefully, things work out for him down there. If everything goes according to plan I will be down there with him in March. That is if he still wants me to come down there. It's funny though because I have told everyone here that I am planning on moving down there. They just all think that I mean in years of so and I just agree with them. But really, I want to go as soon as possible. I can't wait. I think that it is going to be so great down there. I can only hope.

Stay Out

Something that really bothers me is when people get into your space or take things without asking. Oh it pisses me off so bad. I don't care if you borrow something of mine, but please ask first and bring it back. Just don't go into my room and take anything you want and expect me not to get angry. HELLOOO....it's my stuff and when it's not there when I need it, I am going to get angry. UGH... I am so fucking pissed off right now. YOu have no idea.

I Absolutely love Mamma Mia!

I've only seen you twice
In a short time
Only a day since we started
It seems to me
For every time
I'm getting more open-hearted
Your smile
And the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling,
You give me no choice
And it means a lot to me
So I wanna know
What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
Can you feel it the way I do?
And you make me talk,
And you make me feel,'
And you make me show,
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you
Would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me?
If I said I care about you.
Could you feel the same way too?
I wanna know,
What's the name of the game?

$$$$$$ = *!@%

After four months of waiting, we finally received word today. My mom will not be getting compensation. Workman's comp believes that she doesn't have a strong enough case. Funny, because I thought that if you're injured on the job, doesn't that kind of mean that you are entitled to compensation? Well I guess, according to them, she has to be like on her death bed in order to receive payments. So as if the past four months weren't hard enough without any money, let's add another four onto the pile. And as if that isn't bad enough, the Pennsylvania assistance office doesn't even know if they can help us out because they have never dealt with a case like our's. So the only money that is coming into our household is mine. I can't do it anymore. I can't bust my ass every fucking day of the week, pay my car insurance, pay my tuition, pay the electric, pay the cell phone bill, pay the internet bill, pay the tv bill, and still have enough money left over so that I can buy gas just to make it to work to do it all over again. I can't afford it. I'm so tired of bill collector's blowing up my phone because my payments are late. Why does everything have to fucking evolve around money? UGH....I'm so tired of this shit, you have no idea.

Idk....Just one of those bad days

When I was little, I absolutely loved Christmas time. It was my favorite time of the year. There were so many traditions. I can remember going three or four weeks before Christmas with my mom and sister and picking out a Christmas tree. Mom always said that we couldn't get a very big one but we always managed to talk her into letting us get a six or seven foot tree. Then we would bring it home, put on some Christmas music, make some hot chocolate, and decorate the tree. Then once we were finished we would watch a Christmas special on the twenty five days of Christmas and just laugh and talk and sip hot chocolate. I loved seeing all the decorations and the lights. It was the one time of the year when problems didn't seem that bad. Happiness and love were things that everyone could feel. And I remember Christams Eve night was always really special. It was my birthday and I always hated how mom always had to work. I used to sit by door and just watch the clock until she would get home. Then she would always bring a cake and we would have a special dinner that my grandma would fix. I never had a party since it was Christmas Eve and most of my friends were busy with their families, but my mom and grandma always made it special. I got to pick what we had for dinner. And then we would eat cake and ice cream and I would open up a few gifts. Then once all that was said and done, we would watch the weather channel to see where Santa was. Then mom would always say that Santa wouldn't come if we weren't in bed. So grandma would take me and Brooke back to our beds and tell us story and then we would all go to sleep. Grandma would sleep in the bed and Brooke and I on the floor. And I could never sleep. I couldn't wait to wake up. I would wake up so early that after we would unwrap presents, my mom would make us take a nap. And there were always so many presents. But this year is so hard. It's not Christmas. So much is going on right now in my life. My family has no money. I have no money. People were talking today at work about what they were getting for Christmas and what they were getting other people, but I can't do that. My family only has enough money to get each person one gift. And it hurts me because that was the time of year that I looked forward to being able to spend all the money that I saved up all year long on the people that have been there the most for me. I can't afford to buy my mom, my sister, or my grandma anything special. And they can't afford to on me. And we can't even find time to decorate the house. I always have to work or do school. And tonight they started decorating without me. It's not Christmas. It's not my Christmas. Yes, this may be dumb to everyone out there but I don't care. If you could remember Christmas' the way I do, you would be sad too. So yes, I'm crying. I'm crying because it's December 18 and Christmas is just going to be another day to me. It's not magical anymore and I'm crying because not only is this going to be the worst Christmas ever, but my best friend is moving too. And until now I haven't thought about it. I purposely refused to. But this is the fourth time that someone I love and trust has moved away from me and it hurts. And I can't stop thinking about all of this. I just want something. Idk what ... I just need something.

Just How Much I Miss You

I know it must be hard for you,
To see me standing here so tense,
Lacking all self confidence.
But you see you must know how I feel,
And how it hurts,
Way down deep inside.
The pain I feel,
When you leave everytime.
No I don't want to talk,
About all the things we've gone through.
It hurts too much,
To bring back all the memories.
I can't conceal it,
Don't you see,
Don't you feel it.
You're the reason I can't sleep at night.
The reason why I cry at night.
The reason why I shut out all the light.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
Inside my heart,
Inside my mind,
Inside of me.

December is for Cynics

Catch me please,
Offguard.
I'm begging for some profanity and bliss.
Or maybe just a little kiss.
A little motivation,
And a little less isolation.
I don't know much about your life,
Or your world,
And you don't know about my past.
But what's wrong with saying hello to a stranger.
Finding comfort in another's eyes.
A home away from home for the night.
No need for right or wrong.
Cause we both know we don't want it to last too long.
We both just want a little less complicated,
Nothing overrated,
Just a little togetherness.
And not another mess.
I don't want to make a scene,
And I don't want to lose my dignity.
I'm just looking for a little passion,
In the heat of the night,
Something that feels right.
Some weekend apologies and somebody to love,
For a night,
With no regrets,
Just taking a chance.
So catch me please,
Offguard.
I'm begging for some profanity and bliss,
Or maybe just a little kiss.

I'm The Only One

Here I am and here you are.
There I stand and there you go,
Again.
With your talk of someone new.
Of something new.
How I wish that it was enough,
Just to stand.
Here with you.
See I've got a confession to make.
I'm a fool,
And you're a tool,
For not seeing that I believe in you.
That I'm in love with you.
I know you.
The real you that they can't see.
And I remember you calling me in the middle of the night,
I'm the one that makes you laugh,
When you know you're about to cry.
So how can't you see,
That I'm the one that understands you.
Been here all along,
How could you not know?
How could you not see?
That you belong with me.

The Outfield

I love that feeling of accomplishment at the end of a relaxing day. A feeling that you have done absolutely nothing all day long, yet you've done so much. Take for instance, my day today. I stayed up most of the night last night exploring the world wide web and watching late night television only to pass out at about 4:30. I then woke up two hours later to take my sister to the bus where on my way to the car, I busted my ass on an ice patch in my drivway. Man I went down like a fucking terrorist at an airport. After that fall, my day was ruined. It's funny how something like that can happen to you and your whole day will be shot. Instances like busting your ass on a patch of ice or stubbing your toe can make you reflect deeply on your life and realize that you need to just crawl back in bed and enjoy a good cry. Not a short weepy cry but more like a on your knees gasping for air good cry. Damn those moments. Lol. There was no way that I was going to get up and do anything productive today. So, I then preceded to enter my bedroom where I passed out for a good two hours. I then spent the rest of the day thinking up wild and crazy ideas and searching for jobs in the land of the sun. For you idiots out there, that reference was to Sarasota. It is now 10:03 at night and I haven't done a thing all day. I'm so proud of my boring ass. GO ME!!!! So because I don't want to go to sleep tonight feeling like I didn't do all that I could do, I'm gonna blog a bit.

It's On People

So I live in a town that happens to be located in the middle of nowhere. Now, as if that isn't punsihment enough, my parents, god love em, decided to build their estate beyond the white picket fences of the redneck town, and choose an even more secluded area. Ahh, an area where the hills are alive with the sound of music, and the nearest house is a mile away from your own. While growing up, this was amazing. I couldn't ask for more. The view from my bedroom window is breathtaking. I, who enjoy singing at the top of my lungs, could walk outside and belt a number out and not have to worry about disrupting the peace whatsoever. Mainly because I was singing to the trees and other various objects of nature. Anyway, back to the topic of this here blog. When I was little, it was like an adventure island. Everyday, I could explore the land more and more. There was not one place that I didn't travel on my 10 speed purple mountain bike. However, now that I am older, and I enjoy the company of newer technological advancements, such as the computer, internet, and cell phones. I don't really idolize the land I live on. This shit is no longer cool with me. I hate dial up like you wouldn't believe. I mean seriously, you can forget about listening to live streaming music or youtube because if you want to watch a video, it takes a full day just to load the title page. Cell phone service is no where to be found. Luckly, however, I am a txt whore so I at least havea bar to send txts or else I would be going out of my flippin mind. But, my mother insisted that we have the "in" network because it would be cheaper to talk to our friends, but hello, how does that work if you don't even have enough service to make a call. Anyway, the point of my rant is the fact that because I have dial up and cannot have wireless at my house, nor do I have cell phone service to call my friends when I want to chat it up at four o'clock in the god damn morning because I know that they are the only other people that are still up at that current time, I can't just hook up to the internet in my room. No, that would be too easy. I have to find a phone line. A phone line that is connected to the second number. The number for the internet. This line happens to be located in my living room, which is approximately 20 feet away from my nice cozy warm bed. And because my mother is often compared to the psycho mother in the movie Carrie, I have to go all stealth mode to use my computer at this time. So here I sit, crouched behind the couch in our living room, pecking the keys ever so slightly so that I don't disturb the quietness that surrounds me. Hell, this would be so much better if I was dressed in all black and was wearing camo war paint. No, instead I am wearing white shorts and a pink tank top. Anyway, I swear tomorrow I will run a phone line from the living room to my room. This is a promise. You watch me. Tomorrow night, I will not need to be all stealth.

RaNdOm ThOuGhTs

I think that I'm going to go to bed and sleep. Sleep for like an eternity. I am so tired, I know that I could sleep for days and not wake up once. Well, maybe for the occasional drink/food/potty break, but hell even those I'm sure I could do while sleep walking. That is how tired I am. I need sleep. But I'm starting to realize that I'm getting the best ideas because I am so tired. Like for instance, today while I was waiting for my shift to finish today at work, and I stood at the front window and realized that I could probably take all the grease from where I work and develop some kind of high tech device for my car to filter the grease and fuel me car. There would be enough freaking grease in it that I could leave the town and never return. Yea, I know. Weird. But it enlightened me for like 2.5 seconds. Whatever. I'm cool. You don't know me.

After I fall, I'll know why they call it falling

I want to know what it's like to fall in love. I want to know what it's like to have your breath taken away. To gasp for air, because you're so caught up, in the moment, in the heat of a thousand moments. To be caught up in love. I want to know what it's like to take someone's breath away. To know what it's like to be the thought that crosses someone else's mind. Instead, I wake up in the morning with bruised ribs where I was thinking so hard about someone else. I want to feel like someone cares. Like someone feels the same way that I do. I want to know what it's like to fall so hard for someone and have them feel the same way back. I'm tired of just occasional one night stands in the back of his car and I'm tired of using him to feel a little less invisible. I'm tired of sleeping with him because I don't care. Because I don't feel the same way about him. I want more than that. I want the fairytale. I want someone to take my hand in drag me head first, fearless. Someone to kiss in the rain, to sing in the car, to hold hands while walking down the street, to dance in the pouring down rain in my best clothes and not care because I'm there, caught up, in his arms. I want a love like Shakespeare wrote about. A love like in the movies. I just want to fall, just once, in love with somone that loves me back.

Love Remains The Same

Feels like I'm standing in a timeless dream.
It's been hardly a moment and you are already missed.
Those days of warm sun rays come rushing back to me.
Miles of windless summer night air.
Secret moments shared in the heat of the afternoon.
Roadtrips to the edge of the sea,
To the edge of boundaries,
Rides in cars just wasting gas,
Learning, growing, maturing,
And ashes of cigarettes and songs from distant days,
Are just a part of the memory.
Our mornings are getting colder,
Our nights are getting restless,
And every night,
I fall asleep and sleep in hopes of waking up,
To find that it's all just a dream.
But your bags are packed,
And your plane is leaving early in the morning,
Yet, I find myself is a haze,
Knowing that soon I'll have to face the day,
The day that I will have to say it,
The day I'll have to say goodbye.


This week has been CRAZY so far and it's not over yet. Greyson is moving to Florida in a couple of weeks. It's crazy I know. I'm so happy for him. He has waited so long to go to Florida and finally he is getting the chance. He is starting school in January down there. I'm going to miss him like you wouldn't believe. I don't think anyone will fully understand how much I am going to miss him, but this is so good for him. He needs this and if everything works out, it won't be long before I will be able to join him in the sun. :) I think that it is going to be incredibly hard to say goodbye, which is why I'm not going to. I'm just going to say catch ya later or something along those lines. But that is all I'm going to say about that for now. I woke up this morning to find that besides my school loan that I have to pay back when I graduate, I now owe my school money each month because the loan didn't cover all of it. I didn't know that I was supposed to be paying this until today so I am like three months behind. I owe them over 800 dollars. It sucks but I'm just like add it to the tab. But what sucks the most about it is that I now have no money to buy any Christmas gifts for anyone. I can't even afford the wrapping paper to wrap a gift in which is like fifty cents at Dollar General. It is going to be so hard to wake up Christmas morning and not be able give my family anything. I think I'm just gonna buy them something when I do have the money. It makes me feel like shit and I can't get over it. On top of that, today was the only day that I have off this week and all I wanted to do was just spend the day relaxing. Maybe listen to some music, watch a movie, talk to some friends that I haven't had time to talk to, read a book, or just catch up on some sleeping. But that didn't happen. Instead I spent the whole day just running errands and wasting gas. I didn't get to do anything for myself. I really just need a day. A day to get out and do something for myself. A day to just surround myself in things that don't involve money, college, work, or anything of that sorts. But I don't think I'm gonna get that for awhile. Or at least until things get better in the fucking house. It's okay though. I've got my music. I've got the best friend ever and I've got a smile on my face because I'm listening to a song that just makes me want to dance. And that's cool with me because I love to dance. Although, I will never admit that to anyone because I suck at it, I love to just bust a move in my room while I'm listening to the perfect song. It puts a smile on my face everytime. :)

This one is for you my BFF

Please don't feel that nothing you do helps me. You would be surprised how you help me. You keep me somewhat sane. lol. Trust me love, if you weren't there for me, I would fall to pieces and be the most insane person on this planet. You keep my mind focused off of everything else that is going on in my life. You make me laugh instead of cry and like I've told you before, boy you give us all hope and that includes me. You make me believe that everything is a phase and that eventually things will get better. I just wanted you to know that so that you could see that you don't have to hate the fact that nothing you do can help me, because you do help me. So cheer up boy. I'm gonna get through whatever the fuck it is that I'm going through (which might I add seems to be getting better because that past few days have been really good) and you are going to get through all of this shit that is happening to you. You are going to move to Florida this spring or whenever it is you are going, you are going to help your mother, you are going to get a great job in Florida, go to school or whatever it is that you want, you are going to be there with your brothers, and you are going to meet a great guy, fall madly in love, and finally have your happily ever after. So just put a smile on love because we're gonna make it through. We always do. :)


P.S. come to coudersport. Soon. I need you in my life

Here's To You Mrs. Robinson

I hate the feeling of not knowing. You know that feeling? The one in the back of your mind and in the pit of you stomach. The place where everything seems to matter. Where spontaneity and free will have no power over logic and reality. Instead your mind spends an eternity searching for answers to gain some sort of insight for your oh so oblivious mind. Answers to questions like, what does the future have in store? Who will you fall in love with? Do they love you back? Do they feel the same way about you? What’s going to happen to them? Are they using you? When will you die? Stupid questions like these are what life eventually begins to evolve around. You begin to find yourself completely and utterly caught up in the search because the level of your own insanity relies on the knowledge that you lack. So you search more and more everyday, all the meanwhile losing a piece of yourself with every new puzzle piece you find. Until eventually you lose yourself to the search. Truth be told, however, we’ll never know until we reach the end. Still though, we search for the answers keeping in mind the consequences that we face. Reaching, slowly, the point of no return. The point where you find yourself balanced on balance beam and then someone gives you a push. And you fall. And you keep falling cause you’ve lost all sanity. And then you write poems and blogs like this and you laugh at yourself because you realize what you’ve done. Where you went wrong. And how completely and totally incomprehensible your words really are to every reader that takes a glance. How insane you sound to someone else. And that’s when you know, you’ve lost your spontaneity, your free will, your logic, your reality, yourself.

I've Been Broken Hearted Since The Day This Started

First you love me,
Then you tell me that it’s wrong.
I guess that means players only love you when they’re playing.
You know it’s true.
Cause you only want me once I get over you.
See I’ve got nothing but love for you.
So tell me what you really want to do.
Cause I can’t go on believing this way.
I know loving you,
Isn’t the right thing to do.
But how can I ever change things that I feel?
If I could,
I would give you my world,
But how can I?
When you won’t take it from me?
I’ll be there if you want me to,
So come on and tell me what you want to do.
Cause I’ve got to get some peace in my mind.
Before I loose it all,
Before I loose my mind.

I Love This Movie

So it has been a rough past few days. I don't know exactly what has been wrong with me but whatever. I've dealt. I have been working like crazy. I'm so tired that I could sleep for days. My one friend went back to Virginia and I'm pretty sure she is pissed off at me because she feels that we are no longer as close as we used to be. I haven't really talked to my other friend that much because he has been really busy. But things are actually starting to look up. Today my mother sat me down and we had a really long talk. She explained a lot of things to me. Things that I thought I understood in life but in all reality I don't. I thought that I knew how the world worked and that I could read people. Obviously, as the past week has played out, I'm still young an niave. Whatever. Who cares. So the world will still turn every minute of the day. So I'll still wake up every morning and the sun may or may not shine. Whatever. I'm dealing. But anyway back to what I was saying. Today was a good day. The best day I have had in quite some time. Well, with the exception of my car breaking down and being stranded in town for an hour but other than that, it was good. I talked to some people that I havent' talked to in awhile. Still, though, things don't feel the same but I'm just gonna let whatever happens happen. Right now I am watching only the best movie in the world. I've seen it four times and it still makes me laugh like crazy. Stepbrothers. <- that's the movie cuz i forgot to mention that. But yea I'm sitting here laughing, smoking a cig, and watching stepbrothers. Life is good. Well sort of. It could be better. But still it's good.

Just so you know

Just so you know I think you've changed. You're not who you used to be. I don't know you anymore and I don't know what's going on with you anymore. I miss the old you. Just so you know.

At Seventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said: "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debitures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away the world was younger than today when dreams were all they gave for free to ugly duckling girls like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

Hysteria

Why does everything have to go according to plan? I'm tired. I'm so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of waking up at three in the morning to a room black with emptiness. I'm tired of feeling the emptiness. I'm tired of doing everything that everyone else wants me to just because that's the way it's supposed to be. I'm tired of coming home to a house with no internet, tv, phone service, food, or a family. I'm tired of working at a shitty job everyday and never having anything to show for it. I'm tired of paying the bills because no one else can. I'm tired of everyone getting sick. I'm tired of everyone dying. I'm tired of being alone all the time because no one is ever around. Everyone I care about is gone. I'm tired of being me. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate everything. I think I'll die and start over again. What do you think? I say let's make one last plan.

Sober

I don't think I know you anymore.
I don't think you know me anymore.
I don't think we are us anymore.
I think too much has changed.
I think you're too far away.
I think you're too far gone.
And I think you'll only go farther.
I wish things could change.
But we know they can't
So I just take it
And you'll just leave it,
And we'll go our separate ways.

Everything I Ask For

Cowgirls don't cry.
Ride, baby, ride.
Lessons in life are gonna show you in time,
Soon enough you're gonna know why.
It's gonna hurt every now and then,
But if you fall,
Get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry.




P.S. Missing you like crazy Mr. VanPelt. Get a hold of me somehow. :)

Big Girls Don't Cry

It's that feeling in the pit of your stomache,
When you get the call,
That they are gone.
It's that tear that you can't help but shed,
When you realize they are no more.
It's wishing that it's all a dream,
And that soon you will wake up,
When you feel the hurt once more.
It's the line in the middle of the poem,
That makes you want to scream,
When you realize what's really going on.
It's the fact that you can't help,
Feeling like it's all about to crash,
And you can't help but fall.
Fall to pieces,
Fall to the ground,
Fall behind,
Of everything you've ever known.
It's realizing that you really are alone,
Because everyone you've ever known lies,
Cheats,
And breaks promises they can not keep.
So why trust?
Why believe?
When this is all just a dream?