Lost and Insecure

Do you know what your fate is?
Do you know it will all work out in the end?
How do you know?
Well bless my soul,
You're a lonely soul.
Cause you always let go of everything you've ever had.
Do you miss the past?
Do you miss the you that you once had?
Do you think that you can find it,
Better than you've ever had it?
And leave the rest behind?
Well bless my soul,
You're a still a lonely soul,
Cause you believe that you could.
And in the end,
You'll say that you found god on the corner,
Where tenth street meet Haight.
And you'll find that you're just a little late.
Smoking your last cigarette,
Lying on the floor,
You'll give anything,
Just to get back the you that you once had,
With the girl you lost.
The only one that ever really knew who you are.
You're broken blessed lonely soul.

.......nothing........

How do I separate the fact from fiction?
How do I know wrong from right?
Is the person that I've known,
All along,
Really someone else?
Does the person that I have grown to love and trust,
Really not exist?
How do I know if you want me to go?
How do I know if you want me to stay?
Maybe you want me to go.
Maybe I should go.
But I don't even know what to think.
I'm so confused.
I'm so lost.
I wonder if it all will end.
I wonder if this is it.
I wonder why I wonder,
About things like that.
I don't know.

My Reflection Shows

I hate the mirror on the wall. I hate the person staring back at me. I hate the way she looks as she stares right through me. I don't want to be her. I want to rip the flesh from her bones and play Picasso for a day, just so I can paint it all over again. Maybe this time, a little bit more like the girl I want her to be. I hate the shape she forms. I hate the space she occupies because skinny is not in her dictionary. I despise the way she looks on the outside and I can't stand who she is on the inside. I want more than just simple flesh tones and a half-hearted smile. I want more than just some freak with mascara running down her face because she can't hold back. I hate the way she stares at me after a shower because the time she spent praying just to relax under a waterfall of hot water, was really time she that she fought the silence because it was screaming the truth. I hate the scars on her arms and legs. I hate what they mean and I hate the temptation that she fights off everday just to keep the blood from trickling down her sleeve. I hate her eyes because they see the real me. I hate her smile because it's so fake. I hate the person she was and the person she is and the person she will become. I hate that she exists. I hate that she is me.

Fairytale Endings and Black & White

Say your sorry,
That face of an angel.
Comes out just when you need it to.
And I paced back and forth all this time.
Cause I honestly believed in you.
Holding on,
And days drag on.
Stupid girl,
I should have known.
Maybe I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes,
And never really had a chance.
I had so many dreams,
About you and me.
Happy endings,
Now I know.
And here you are sitting there,
Begging for forgivness,
Begging for me,
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry.
I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
And lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood.
This is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you,
And you let me down.
Now it's too late for you and your white horse,
To come around.

(Taylor Swift)


This song explains it all.

END THIS PLEASE

Omg please just stop. I can't take anymore. I don't want this. I don't know how to do this anymore. Please just make it stop. Make the pain just go away. Make me forget about it. Make me foreget about this feeling. I seriously can't do this anymore. I'm begging, I'm praying, I'm wishing for this to go away. So won't you please just stop telling me because I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.

Its All Cool....NO REALLY

I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to react.
I don't know how to feel this feeling,
And not be able to act.
I don't know how to help you.
I don't know what all is wrong.
And I feel that times,
Can make us stronger,
But I believe you push away.
I believe I have talked a little too much about me,
In the past few pages of our history.
And I believe you get annoyed.
But I don't know what to do.
And I don't know what I know anymore.

You're Such a Character

Why does everything have to change? I mean really. The leaves change, seasons change, places change, time changes, people change, and you change yourself. Why does there have to be so much change. Do you think that father luck just wakes up and notices that one day everything is too right for you so he decides that now is the time for change? I don't know the answer. I don't think that anyone really does. In all reality, I think that things have to change so that no one person can truly be happy forever. One thing I do know is that I honestly do hate holidays. I lie and tell people that I love this time of year, but I really don't. I do enjoy the music, the decorations, the lights, and the warmth that their appears to be, but no holiday ever works out for me. I always fight with someone. Usually it's my mom and this season we are getting an early start it seems. It's the day before Thanksgiving and we're already fighting. It's always about something stupid too, like where I spent my day. I don't know why it's so hard for her and I just to get along. Earlier this week, we had spent three days together and everything was going great. But I knew sooner or later, I would do something that labeled me stupid or a failure. Whatever. I'm learning to live with it. You would think that after twenty years, I would walk away without a scratch. Still, however, I don't. It still bothers me, even though I try not to let it show. Maybe I really am stupid. Maybe I really am a failure. But whatever I am, I would rather be that than abide by all of her rules. I don't want to be the perfect daughter. I'm happy with who I am.

An Ode to You My Love

So you lie. So you're a liar. Big deal. It doesn't matter. Anyone that hates you for it, isn't someone that you need. And I may be so bold as to post this for you to read, but I feel that you must know the truth. So I risk the wierdness and anger that you might feel by the end of it all. I'm not gonna lie though and sit here and tell you that I don't care that you lie to me, when I really do. I'm not mad about it, I just wish that you felt that you could tell me the truth. I think that the way that you lie, is your defense mechanism. I think that you feel that you, the real you on the inside, is not good enough to let through. I think that you're afraid that if you show someone the real you, they won't be there for you in the end. I think these things and I watch your actions and I wish that I knew how to make it better for you. I know you're thinking, "ugh how cliche," because I think the same thing. But the funny thing is, it's true. There are times, when I think you let your guard down, and I catch a glimpse of the real you or at least I think it's you. I'll never know really. I don't think that you're an imbecile. I don't find you to be fake. I don't think that you're an asshole. I think that you have a past that you cannot tell people. I think that you have things about you, that are too difficult for you to bare and opening up to tell someone, only causes you more pain. And I think that when you say that you're a liar and you don't care if someone hates it, you're lying. So I say this to you, as someone that loves you. As someone that cares about you. As your friend. As your best friend. I do care that you feel that you have to lie. But I don't care that you lie. I'm your friend and I care about you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here until the end. I'm here until you decide you don't need me anymore. So you can continue to lie to me because I understand why. It doesn't bother me. I love you hunny bun and you're the prettiest person I've ever met. :)



P.S. I miss you too Greyson VanPelt and I hope that I will be seeing you soon enough :)

I'm Already Gone

Kill this please.
Won't you just kill me please.
Cause it would be so much better than feeling like this.
So much better than wishing for this.
Lie to me please.
Won't you just trick me please.
Cause it would be so much better than hurting like this.
So much better than failing like this.
Cause it's two a.m.
And you're gone.
And I'm alone.
Wondering if it's something that I did.
End this please.
Won't you just leave me please.
Cause it would be so much better than this.
So much better than emptiness.

You Belong With Me

Maybe I'm weak,
And maybe you're strong.
Maybe I'm tired of feeling so wrong.
And maybe you're right.
There's got to be more to this life,
Then just the simplicities of tonight.
Still I catch my breath,
When you touch my hand.
Fighting the urge to fall,
I lose the will to stand.
Maybe I didn't want to need you.
Maybe I didn't want to want you like I do.
I didn't mean to fall,
Maybe I didn't mean to care at all.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
Cause I lose myself to the fight.
And I hold on with all of my might.
To the thought of growing old with you.
To the wholeness I feel with you.
So maybe I'm weak,
And maybe you're strong.
But there's got to be more to this life,
Then the simplicity of this fight.

Peace, Love and Equality

And for real, you can just bite me. That is the attitude that I have right now. For real, these past two days have been outrageous. It all started yesterday when one of my co-workers decided to make a statment that I have literally been fuming about for the past 24 hours. For those of you that don't know me, I am a person who very much embraces the concepts of peace, love, and equality. Recently, however, it has come to my attention that our so called "everyone is created equal" nation is trying to ban the allowance of marriage for the gay community. I am not gay, but my best friend is so this issue also affects me in a way. I love him and he is no different than me. He loves just like I do. But some people have a problem with who he loves. I don't understand why this is such a problem. Love is love right? No matter who it is shared with. I believe that the gay community should be allowed to get married. In fact, I believe that everyone is entitled to marry, no matter their sexual orientation, color, race, ethnicity, religion, etc. It's rediculous how people are today. Ugh...it just pisses me off. But anyway back to the story. I was carrying on a conversation with my co-worker, whom is bi, about prop 8. After explaining to him what it is, he then proceeded to tell me that for someone who is supposedly not gay, I sure care a lot about the equality of the gay community. This outraged me. Seriously? So because I believe that everyone is created equal and I believe that everyone is entitled to their god-given rights and that the gay community should be allowed to get married, I'm gay? Why is that? I have to be gay to suppor the gay community? Where is that stated as a fact? Helloooooo.....my best friend is gay and so I'm going to support him in everything that he is. But even if my best friend was not gay, I would still support the gay community. I think that it is rediculous that in today's society, if we suppor the minority, that makes us one of them? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I am offended to be called gay because I'm not. I know that I am straight. I like men. That is who I am. I can't help that no more than anyone else, no matter if they are gay or straight. But just because I believe in equality, all of sudden I have to be gay. I wish that this world could just open their eyes and see that this Utopia that they are trying to create is never going to happen. People are different. Everyone is different. There is no normal. So why is it such a big deal to strive to reach normal? Don't set about making statmetns like all is created equal if you are going to then turn around and condemn someone for being who they are? Don't take away their rights! Don't tell them that God will one day condemn them for their actions! Don't take away their right to love! Don't take away who they are! You can't! No matter how hard you try. So this is me, a straight white 19 year old female standing up for what she believes in. Peace, Love, and Equality. So stop spreading the h8. For reals. Grow the fuck up and stop being so afraid that they may rock your world from it's steady place. Get ready for change because hunny, change is a coming.

Random Thought For the Twentieth Hour Of The Day

So it is pretty much decided that I need a well deserved vacation where I can sleep till the end of time. :) But no instead I'm sitting here finishing up some school work so that I can miss my seminar tonight and attempt to get enough sleep before I head to work tomorrow at 5:30. Ugh....I hate mornings. All I want to do is hit the snooze button and lock the world out until about 5 at night. But it neve happens. You know what show I hate more than anything in the world. Freaking Antique Roadshow. My mother is like obsessed with it, just like any other 48 year old female that replaces their yen for romance and passion with the simple mystique of an antique. She used to just collect them. Now she is obsessed with them. She sits and watches this show and I just have to laugh at the people on there. For real. They show up with the dumbest stuff and pretend to be all calm and collect when they realize that the puke green vase that grandma left them after her 12 year struggle with cancer is worth a quarter of a million dollars. And the other funny thing is that they always hold the show in a mall somewhere. Like everyone in the world is just carrying around huge colonial antique chests with them when they go out to look for a new candle for the living room at the mall. I know I always do. Oh and I just love how to make the show so much more fun....they throw in a random british historian to tell the person just how much there item is worth because to us Americans, everything sounds so much better with an English accent. Well at least hot guys always sound so much better with an English accent. :) Anywhoo....I'm bored with this tonight. I don't really have anything to talk about. Just living life and doing it well. :) So I'm gonna go lock myself in my room. Far away from the sound of the British historian telling the lady dressed in tye-dye that her painting that her childhood neighbor gave her for Christmas is worth $10,000. Why should I share her excitement when I'm working at McDonalds. Oh well, at least I keep it real. :)


Nighty night all



P.S. Must Read book -> Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Yes, it's 710 pages long but it is so worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!


peace to all
night

Death and How I'm Dealing

So someone close to my family died today and the worst part was that I was at the ambulance hall, talking to the crew about a call they had just gotten back from where a 47 year old man had suffered from a cardiac arrest and died, when I got the news. Little did I know was that the 47 year old man that they had been referring to, was someone I knew. It's weird that feeling you get when you receive news like that. You swallow your stomache and for a split second the world, including your heart, stops. All that's left is you and your thoughts and you don't know whether to break down and cry like the world is ending, or whether you should just pretend that you're fine and save the breakdown for a later place and time. Funny thing is that this time, I didn't cry. I couldnt cry. I don't understand why, but I couldn't shed a single tear. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet and some time in the near future I will wake up and have a day where I cry over spilt milk literally because that is how things usually work for me. I hate death probably more than anything in the world. Yes, I may be selfish, but I'm sorry I would rather not lose someone that I care about. I think it scares me really. The thought that someone's body has ceased to function and that the person that you once knew, like the palm of your hand, is no longer there is the worst feeling ever. I guess I also deal with death a lot differently than most people. I don't like to recognize it. I would so much just rather think that the person is just on some extended vacation. I don't know. Today has been long and I am tired. I have been up since 5 this morning so sleep is well overdue. I'm sorry that tonight's post was not that cheerful, rather it was more depressing than anything I guess. But what can I say. I guess I'm grieving. But anyway, goodnight you princes of dreams and you princesses of hope. Tomorrow I'll find you over a cup of coffee and a morning thought. :)

The Dashboard of my mind is clutterd with the thought of you

So I know that I haven't updated in awhile. So here is a quickie. Life has been unexpectedly unpredictable lately. The best friend was home this past weekend, which was absolutely wonderful. Got to catch up with him and spend some time with him. Sadly, however, like all good things, it came to an end, and he departed for Allentown Tuesday afternoon. The days that have followed have been amazing though. I went back to work and caught up with some friends there. I have been doing quite a bit of laughing lately and getting to know a lot more people. I had a really long conversation with a new friend at work that opened my eyes to a lot of things. Kendra is coming home with the baby on the twenty-fifth and I'm oh so incredibly excited. It has been almost three months since I have last saw her. Her baby is adorable and I can't wait to spoil it like crazy. I also heard from an old friend yesterday. My friend Tasha had moved to Jamestown unexpectedly a few months ago and I hadn't heard from her. I didn't even know where she was, until she called. She is coming home this weekend to visit some of her family. So I get to see her. I can't wait. I have missed her a lot too. Tasha, Kendra, and I have been friends since third grade. So you can only imagine, how hard it is not to have them around all the time. I have also been doing a lot of relaxing lately. For example, I slept in today for the first time in what seems like an eternity. When I finally managed to scrounge up enough energy, I got up and showered and then began to continue to read from the same book I have been trying to finish for the past two years. Surprisingly enough, I was able to get a lot of the reading done. So basically that's my life up to date. Sorry that nothing profound or wicked happened. But what can I say, I lead an utterly boring, natural, sometimes depressing life. But I am me. So I roll with it and make due. :)

If you can give it, I can take it. Cuz if this heart is gonna break, it's gonna take a lot to break it.

I hold on so nervously,
To one last drink.
While the smell of a burned out cigarette,
Still lingers in the air,
I light some incense and stare into the moonlight.
Submerging into the pool of thought,
I catch a high off of some old memory.
Nervous hands and anxious smiles,
Spirits left without the flesh,
A perfect display of affection,
That seems so far away,
Like miles and miles.
I shift position,
And take a breath,
But the memory hits.
Like a drug,
I get my fix.
As scenes pass by the retina of my eye,
A song plays in the background of my mind.
Like the ones we used to sing,
When the feeling of dancing around barefoot,
In the street was still so new.
We talked about life,
And the theories of our minds,
Back when we were oblivious,
To the logic found in reality.
We tip-toed around the edge of insanity.
Swallowing the last of the brew within my cup,
My thought process begins to lack.
And I find myself,
Consumed in the reality of the present tense.
And I swear to myself,
I'll never drink again.

I'm Seeing In Me Now, The Things You Swear You Saw Back Then

So these past two days have been INSANE. My friend Kendra just had a baby. She is adorable. Can't wait to see her. Which means that Kendra is coming home in like two weeks. YAY!!!! Last night was a fucking blast. Really needed it. Got completely wasted. Spent the whole night dancing, laughing, talking, and attempting to watch a movie. The whole movie thing didn't work out so well but whatever. Woke up this morning completely hungover and regretting some of last night. Ended up txting some people and had a conversation with someone that was a little weird but in a weird way made me kind of happy. Okay... so then Tameca and I spent an hour eating breakfast with the grandmother and then just sitting around the table, drinking coffee, and discussing the various aspects and philosophies of life. It was great let me tell ya. I don't think I have laughed that hard in like forever. Then, cleaned up the basement from lastnight, and preceded to head into town to take Tameca home in pajamas. I had no idea what I looked like until I pulled into McDonalds to get soemthign to drink and my friend Rachel was like "Had a fun night last night?" After dropping Tameca off, I went home where I spent a good three hours helping my mother clean her room. That was awkward and yet a good time because I don't think my mother and I have laughed that hard in forever. Now I am sitting here checking my myspace and writing this blog before Tameca and I go out. First we are going to Moches where we will help some freinds celebrate a birthday. Then we are going to a party at one of our friend's houses from Port. It's gonna be a killer let me tell ya. Then I have to work tomorrow but then I am going out again tomorrow night. I am determined to have a good time. :) So until I manage to update this again I hope this sounds a little more cheerful then my prior posts.

The Lord Of The Rings Suck and I Love Pizza

So I discovered something that really pisses me off today. I absolutely despise it when people look at you and they give you that sort of "I'm soooo BETTER than you!" A lot of people have been doing that to me lately. Usually from the low lives that go through the drive thru at my place of work. HELLO!!!!! I'm not you and I never will be. Who are you to judge me. Just because I work at a fast food restaurant and hate my job, doesn't mean that you have the right to look at me and think to yourself, "Wow, what a pitty." I don't need your sympathy. I'm an intelligent person and I have several qualities that make me BETTER than you. Reason why? Because I'm the fucking shit and that's that. So, second rant of the day. To a so called love one of mine, I have been frequently referred to as a failure. But excuse me for not wanting to follow your footsteps and have a life of my own. I'm not perfect. No one ever is. Quirks are what makes us who we are. I am different. There is no other person like me. I am unique. I am myself. I choose my happiness. I choose my freedom. I choose my individuality. Yes, I may be young and I don't have my future figured out quite yet. But where is the experience in making a life of your own when someone is throwing the future they want for you down your god damn throat. So let me find ways to express who I am the way I want to. Let me live my life. Let me find myself. I appreciate a little guidance, but I don't need a rulebook. And with all my rants of the day out of the way, here is an update on me. I am incredibly fed up with the common cold and I am exhausted. Having to be at work the past two days at five thirty in the morning, I haven't had exactly the best night's sleep in a few days. Luckily, however, this weekend, I am determined to go out and have fun. The best friend might come home and that would be kick ass but if he doesn't, I think I will go out with my other friends who are home from college. Anyway, I'm tired and I'm rambling, and I'm almost positive that you didnt' really need to know all this. So I am going to leave it on this note. Obama for president. Bitch you know he is going to win and if he doesn't, then I just might have to rant some more. :) Don't lie, you love it.

Sidenote

Forgot to add in the prior post that I found a new band yesterday. I enjoy some of their stuff. They are not exactly the greastest thing that I have ever heard, but their song Wake Up The Sun has been stuck in my head all day. Listen to them. Their name is The Matches. You might absolutely despise them, or you might absolutely love them. You won't know till you try them out. :)

Silent Legacy

Something happened to me today, an epiphany you might say. See, it was early morning, and I had been up way before the sun. Sitting in my car on break, I was frustrated due to my lack of hibernation. I was wrecked, overblown, and fed up with the common cold. But for some reason the aroma of coffee and cigarettes made me feel a little more sane. A tune was playing in the back of my mind, as I thought about the hours to come throughout the day. And as one particular thought began to fade away, I noticed something trivial. Now had it have been, that I am the type of person that loves being woken up to a door slam and another illusion of a dream I had the night before, I might not have noticed the sunlight brush against my hand. Blinded by its brightness, I redirected my view out the window to my left. There he was. See living in a small town has many disadvantages. One, I might add, is the fact that everyone knows everyone. But this guy was not your typical rundown hillbilly native to this town. You could tell just by looking at him, that his day was no better than mine. But unlike me, he seemed to be filled with such high hopes. His clothes were old and plain, and I’m sure that had I been outside of the comfort zone of my Ford Explorer, I might have noticed a certain odor radiating from his pores. Yes, you guessed it, he was a bum. But he was unlike any bum I have ever seen. Just watching his various mannerisms, you could tell that he was not trying to conceal who he was. He knows that he is nothing special but for some unknown philosophical reason, he continues to move on. Walking down the sidewalk of this good for nothing two-stop town, he held his head up high. And I just sat there, sipping my first coffee of the day, totally consumed and amazed by this stranger. That’s when it hit me. He is lucky. He has no material worth, but he knows that with every cold dark night, there is always a dawn. He does not spend his time living in the shadows searching for the possibility of a maybe. No, instead he chooses to step into the light to a world filled with certainty. And because this man had passed my way during my thirty five minute break, I spent the rest of my day in a daze. Constantly pondering the what if’s of life. This bum somehow gave me a little hope for some sort of change to come. So as I lay here tonight, telling you the details of my life, I raise a glass of apple juice to the idea of today being the last day I spend in the grey shadows of the background. Tomorrow, I think, I’ll step into the light.

Sunsets and Cigarettes

As I sit here finishing up my cigarette, I think about the days that have passed. And every one of these days have been like hell, leaving me with one more scar. So much has happened and this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is starting to feel like home. I'm ready for a change, but I find myself stuck somewhere between the end of an ending, and the beginning of a beginning. It's like I'm looking at a view from my review mirror, and everything that I have ever known is standing behind me watching me drive away. I want to turn around, and normally, I always turn the car around, but in this particular scenario, I just push the pedal a little further to the floor. Two of my friends just received word that the college that they have been participating in for the past few months has been cancelled. In all reality, the college that the class was offered through and the people that were instructing the class are the ones to blame. They just ruined the future of eighteen people and two of those people are the people that mean the most to me in my life. My one friend has a great job right now but she is currently working on attempting to pay back some prior students loans. She has been considering moving to Pittsburgh to further her education but she is quite sure. She knows she wants a good education but really, she is just as confused as I am right now. I know there is more going on with her right now, but she has never really been that type of person that opens up and tells you everything that is going through her mind right now. She tells me a lot but I guess she is just as upset and stressed as I am right now. In fact my other friend is too. He, on the other hand, also has an excellent job too. The only problem is he hates it. In fact, he pretty much hates everything in his life right now. He is planning on moving in January. He wants to go to the coast to chase his dreams. I think I worry the most about him. If the coast is where his future lies, I hope that everything works out for him. But I worry that that the friendship that we have will cease the moment that he steps foot on that plane. He has asked me to move with him but something is holding me back. In fact, I guess that I shouldn't say that there is just one something because there are really quite a few something. I worry about not being financially secure and the fact that something might happen between him and I, and the friendship that we have will end. In the past year, him and I have become so close. He has sort of become that one person that I can tell anything to. He has become my way of showing the world a side of me that is a little less complicated because we are always out there doing something that keeps the focus off the hell that we call our lives. We have been through so much together and I know that I can sit here and hope that things will stay the same and we can promise each other that things won't change. But in all reality, they always do. I guess, however, I worry way too much. In fact, recently, someone told me that I think too much about the consequences of things, rather than just being spontaneous and doing them. I wish that I could be spontaneous and not worry about the outcome of things. But I have always dwelled too much on the past and the future. Recently, a concept has been expressed to me that has left a serious impact. Happiness is something that we choose. May it be school in Pittsburgh, or a summer's day on the coast, we make or break ourselves. If happiness is something that we choose, I choose happiness. I may not know where it is, and I may never know until I find it, but it is what I want. But while my friends are out there making a name for themselves, I sit here in a cold dark room in November, lighting another cigarette, and contemplate my life in a blog. Dwelling on the past and thinking about the future that I know is miles away, I take another hit. If happiness is really out there, it is something that I want. So while my friends move to Pittsburgh and chase some dreams along the coast, I just sit here and take another puff.

Eminence Front

Take the air out of my lungs,
And enshroud the world from me.
Close my eyes,
And take a leap,
From everything that is me.
Because I'm so tired of fighting,
A battle I know I'll never win.
When everything is against the odds,
I fall another step behind the crowd.
The rage within me boils,
Keeping me from ever really feeling fine.
Still I continue to walk a path that seems to wind,
While shadows cloud the sky above me,
Concealing all the light,
Devising a world full of darkness,
I stand with blood running down my arm.
Because everyone has given up on me,
I stumble to the ground,
Lift my hands above my head,
And pray.
Pray for forgiveness,
For refuge,
For freedom,
For peace,
For hope,
For a reason finally just to stay,
Here.