Destination Failure and Disappearance

It has been so long since I have blogged. My life has been total and utter chaos. In the past 3 months, I have managed to completely lose myself. I honestly couldn't tell you who I am today. I have done so many things that I regret. I have lost so many people that are close to me and this past weekend proved to be the end of everything that was me. I fucked up so badly that I can't even begin to find a way to reconcile with the person I hurt, or better yet myself. I think I lost my best friend. I know we are trying to work things out, but honestly I think I fucked up so badly that I will never ever get the relationship back that I had with him. I have no one to blame but myself and that is what kills me the most. I have to face the music and it is so incredibly hard. I am so ashamed of the person I have become. I let myself go against my morals and my own judgement several times within these past three months. I let my addiction to lust control my body and my mind. I can't even talk about the things I have done and the worst part is, I can't talk to anyone about it because things would only get worse. I would only hurt more people. Only one person knows about everything and by everything, I mean what happened this past weekend and what happened with this particular taken male. But this person that knows everything about my fuck ups and about me, is the person I managed to hurt beyond repair. It would be so better off for everyone if I just disappeared. I'm not goign to kill myself so relax. I'm just saying the thought has crossed my mind and be it six feet under or sixy thousand miles away from everything, it would be in the best interest for everyone that knows me. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pitty me. I don't want that. You should be angry with me. You should hate me. You should look at me with disgust. How can you even see the me I used to be when I dont' even recognize myself in the mirror. I'm not posting this because I want the "oh woe is me" drama. I'm posting this because I am being honest with myself and with everyone. I could disappear. I want to disappear. I should disappear.

Now I know how you really feel about me.

Rain On Me

It's so cold.
I'm so cold.
This light has faded,
The emptiness has returned,
And all has wilted into the darkness.
But where am I?
I can't be found.
I'm lost in this abyss,
In this empty sea of lonliness.
You've turned your back,
You've shut me out,
And you're prepared to say your final goodbyes.
But have you forgotten what we used to have?
Have you forgotten the me, you used to know?
I hold your memory in the back of my mind,
Hoping someday you'll realize,
That yesterday can't be forgotten,
Unless you've given up on today.
Unless you've given up on me.

My Reflection Compared to My Reaction

I hate the mirror on the wall. I hate the person staring back at me.I hate the way she looks as she stares right through me. I don't want to be her. I want to rip the flesh from her bones and play Picasso for a day, just so I can paint it all over again. Maybe this time, a little bit more like the girl I want her to be. I hate the shape she forms. I hate the space she occupies because skinny is not in her dictionary. I despise the way she looks on the outside and I can't stand who she is on the inside. I want more than just simple flesh tones and a half-hearted smile. I want more than just some freak with mascara running down her face because she can't hold back. I hate the way she stares at me after a shower because the time she spent praying just to relax under a waterfall of hot water, was really time she that she fought the silence because it was screaming the truth. I hate the scars on her arms and legs. I hate what they mean and I hate the temptation that she fights off everday just to keep the blood from trickling down her sleeve. I hate her eyes because they see the real me. I hate her smile because it's so fake. I hate the person she was and the person she is and the person she will become. I hate that she exists. I hate that she is me.

Summer Stars

It’s a thrill I can’t shake.
Really, it’s the burn of your eyes as they stare into mine.
It’s getting caught up in the awkwardness of feeling fine,
Of never accepting when things go dire or realizing that you’re about to break.
It’s the ability to forget,
To never regret,
To never worry about life being way too short to change your world.
It’s the impact of it all.
And it’s the happiness that I feel,
When you smile.
When we’re together.
When we’re free to believe in the lies,
To believe in the secrets and whispers that radiate from each other’s faces.
And it’s true,
That secret, that furtive, that covert operation in which we both suppress,
Is what we hide.
But really it’s the adrenaline, the rush, the perpetuous blindness of it all,
The discretion, the shades of grey meaning that turn out so sweetly,
The hope filled lines that you deliver,
The afterglow of happiness that we walk away with,
That I love.
That I long for.
The craziness of it all,
The idea that destiny is being fulfilled,
That soul mates really do exist,
And the idea that I can be me without trying so hard,
To be what you want me to be.
Its emotions, turmoil, heartache, attention, affection, devotion,
And everything in between,
That draws us near
To fixing mistakes,
To learning and growing,
To carving x’s and o’s in our minds,
To the tunes of each other that softly play in our ears,
To being one with each other,
To wanting to be that thrill that you can’t shake,
To never giving up on the promises we make,
That I live for.

Too Much Time On My Hands

Her name rings in your ears,
Like a memory that you once knew,
And you don’t know why you’d love to love her.
In all your life,
You’ve never seen a woman,
So free and so sure,
So taken by the wind.
She sets her rules and her own limits,
A golden girl immersed in a hard core world,
The last kind of her generation.
Still she’s dangerous when it comes to bearing her soul
She is darkness and she is mystery,
The magic of a blackened night.
Like falling sands of time,
She blows your mind like the wind.
And wouldn’t you just love to love her.
You know it’s hard to find someone with that kind of intensity.
But in the end,
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Gave you everything you ever wanted,
But there you go again,
Saying you want your freedom,
It’s only right that you play it the way you feel it.
But listen carefully to the sounds of your loneliness
Trust your first initial feeling.
So you hope and you pray,
That the breeze will again blow your way,
That someday your paths will cross,
And maybe she would love to love you,
But all the meanwhile she just wonders who will be her lover.

For Worse or For Better

You said you needed your space
I wasn't where you wanted to be
I didn't stand in your way
I only want you to be happy
And so surprised am I to see you here tonight
Sometimes in our lives
We get to where we wonder if
The long road that we're on
Is heading in the same direction
When it comes to you and me
We're right where I know we should be
Sometimes it's like we're deep in nothing but love
And the slightest thing can grow so foolishly
Please
Can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
Just know that we're better together.....

Set You Free

There's alot to be said about the game.
The game we play.
The game I'm playing.
It's a game I refuse to lose.
I will not lose.
I will fight for eternity,
For forever,
If that's what it takes,
I will wait in the wings of your life,
Till you find the truth.
And you'll decide to stay.

The Flame

I can't believe that you lied to me.
I trusted you and thought that you do no wrong.
I believed in you and put my faith in you.
But you lied.
You lied to me.
Now I don't know what to believe.

Guilty

This I know, things will change.
I am dead and dead is me.
Without this, I cannot breathe.

Untitled Part II

I'm sorry that I hold on,
I'm sorry that I'm unbearable at best.
Maybe you should just stay away,
Cuz I'm getting weaker everyday.
I guess I'm not as strong as I used to be.
And if you use me again,
It will be the end of me.
I don't know why I get like this.
I'm a mess.
But if you only knew,
You wouldn't judge me like this.
The thoughts inside my head,
Are uncontrollable at best.
But I'll work on it,
I promise you this.
Ill let you go.
I'll forget this.
It will be as if the memory never did exist.
Eventually,
I'll control this.

Untitled Part I

I've never felt more alone.
It's so overrated, but I literally have no one.
Everyone is moving on.
And I'm stuck....here....
In the quietness of my mind in the emptiness of my soul.
I can't let go of what used to be,
I know that I can't have that forever.
I've mentioned before that I do, however, seem to dream of the impossibilities.
But as I think about my lack of future,
I can only hope for the best for the one's that I care about the most.
While they are out their chasing dreams,
Where am I but to be a memory?
I don't want to be forgotten.
But I guess the hardest part is letting go,
Of what used to be,
Of a memory.

Breaking Dawn

Sometimes I feel as though there is an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. The repelling forces that I exert in an attempt to fill the space only leave me wanting more. There is temptation in giving up, yet I am eager to carry on. Silly as though it may seem, I am cursed to a life filled with confusion. There is more, so much more. But I'm lacking clarity in what is it that I am trying to say. I'm running out of adrenaline and the morphine is running low. I am wrecked, overblown, and not to mention fed up with this common cold. Maybe I'm tired. Maybed I'm stressed. Then again, maybe this sanity is sanity after all. Maybe I'm right and have been all along.

Eclipse

I'm in love with impossibility. I have found this to be true, however tonight I find myself sitting here wondering about the same repetitive topic that has been occupying my thoughts for quite some time now. Is it possible to find your soulmate but impossible to act due to unmovable forces? That probably doesn't even make any sense to you but in my mind it does. Reason being is that I think that has happened to me. No one can understand because its hard to explain. The person that I feel is right for me is somehow not right for me. The best part is that I don't think he will ever know how I really feel. The irony of life never ceases to amaze me. It's unavoidable and yet unattainable. It's just another day and I'm still keeping this secret deep.

Love Actually

Tell me, do you really understnd me? I'm giving all that I can give. I have nothing left to give. Take it all. But tell me, do you hear what I'm saying? Do you know me at all?

This is True

I let you go. I put you away. I stored you in a box in my memory. I knew I would remember the times we shared. But, I only planned on dragging you out on rainy days. You gave me up. You chose a new path. And it hurt me at first, but I moved on. I put a smile on, and pretended to be just fine. However, now you've come back to tell me that you miss me. That you miss hearing my voice. That you miss talking to me and txting me all day. I don't know how to react to that. Because I did such a good job at hiding my pain. I did such a good job at putting you in that box and letting you go. You chose her. I can't forget that. And even though it wasn't that long ago, the past is the past. You're not measuring up. But still, you're there and I'm confused.

Pepsi Is My Drug of Choice

I'm enjoying the peace and serentiy of an afternoon cigarette while I bask in the warmth of the sun. Haha....what a line that was. However, it is true. I'm indulging in the reality that is my life. Watching romance movies and fantasizing about a future to come. It's quite extroadinary, I might add, this idea that I have for my future. The man of my dreams sends shivers down my spine. God, I feel like a little girl. I want a man right out of a movie. I want to sip wine and dance to Frank Sinatra on the patio of our house underneath the summer sky. I want him to enjoy music the way that I enjoy music. Playing the piano or being able to sing couldn't hurt. Because if he could love music and enjoy it the way that I do, we could spend late nights making music together. I want a love that will never die. Excitement in the realtionship that won't ever end. I want to only long for him. I want to wake up to him and sleep next to him every night. Wow. I just re-read this. I should really stop. This, I fear has gone past being a blog, to just some random spell for my soulmate. Anywhoo....I have the next two days off from work, so I have a feeling that I will be able to write a lot more. I'll have a chance to relax, expect for the four hours that I'll spend on homework while I attempt to make something of my life. But as for right now, I just got a chill so I'm gonna head back inside. I'll try to write some more later.

P.S. I'm moving out....soon hopefully.

Because I Said So

I’m not what you’re looking for,
And I’m not who you’ll choose.
But I indulge in fantasies,
Cause I have nothing left to lose.
You’re oblivious, to my reality,
And I’m a bit confused.
Truth is, I really don’t know what to do.
And this relationship has become a bit abused.
I never intended to be that girl.
I always had a plan.
And suddenly I’m all caught up,
In something that just began.
I know that it’s impossible,
Still I pray for the impossibility to come true.
You’ve become that one,
I’ll measure everyone else up to.

Chase this light with me?

She's lonely,
She's numb,
And she hears what she wants to hear.
She prays,
She waits,
And she swears she won't shed a tear.
But the rain pounding on her window pane,
Sets a standard for a brand new day.
And the emptiness burns a hole through her skin.
While she waits for the thunder to begin.
The softness she finds,
In the comedy,
Of the tragedy,
Is sureal, even to her.
The face of peace,
The subtleness of hope,
The calmness in the storm,
Is the clarity behind it all.
Sanity forgotten,
And blasphemy restored.
She is unearthed.
And she is unscarred.
She is broken, yet free,
Dancing to the melody,
Of the wind and the storm,
Unafraid,
And unalarmed,
She collapses to the ground.
This is it,
This is now.
The center of it all.
Everything stops,
No sound,
Nothing at all.
Just the beating of her own heart,
As she watches the rest of the world fall.

Love, Save the Empty

There's something about the way you look at me.
The way you stare right through me.
There's something about the way I feel at peace with you.
The way I feel I belong with you.
And there's something about the aftermath,
The ending of a chosen path,
That makes me feel so alone.
Like I've lost a part of me.
Because I miss those nights of staying up just to breathe,
To breathe in you.
To breathe in the serenity.
The excitement,
That I feel with you.
But when this emptiness takes hold,
I only long for more.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your stare.
I miss you.