I'm A Wishful Thinker WIth the Worst Intentions

So it's 3:49 in the afternoon and I just woke up. I successfully wasted an entire day off doing nothing but watching the back of my eye lids. It was amazing. I had an amazing dream that I would love to fall back asleep and continue but my mother sort of opened my door and told me to make something of my life in a not so nonchalant manner. I'm just like bitch please, I am so damn productive. Eat cha heart out love. Haha that is so my new thing. So the past few days have been incredibly different and unusual but somehow profound and so worth it. Tons of things have happened. I have learned some new things that at first were a bit devastating but then ended up working out for the best. I finally know a little something about my life and myself. I know for real it's about freaking time. But on the real, by golly I think I finally have got it. I have finally diciplined myself to the point where I have decided that I am finally over that someone. I realized that what I was putting myself through was so not worth it. I deserve a dream that actually stands a chance and after fighting it for so long, I have finally reached the point where I can say goodbye to that fantasy. By george I think I'm growing up. But anyway yea, most of this probably doesn't even make sense but whatever it's all cool because this is basically just a place for my thoughts. And I just re-read this to see if it might actually make sense and I realized that I said by golly and by george?!?! Wtf?!?! Who says that? Whatever I'm cool. But ummm ya...it's now four o'clock and I must go get ready cuz bitch I'm going out tonight. YAYA. :)

Contemporary Issues in My Life

I love my life, really I do. Things are absolutely wonderful right now. Last night I came home to a gas leak in my house. We had to leave the windows open all night and the doors shut so that we could sleep. Then I awoke this morning to realize that we have no heat. Our propane was shut off because we couldn't pay the bill. We don't have the money to pay for heat. I thought that when I came home from work, things would be better. WRONG. Instead, tonight we have five blankets each on our beds so that we can stay warm and I guess there is supposed to be a bad snowstorm tonight. Great. My mom calls me while I'm working and asks me to bring home some medicine for her because she is sick, but guess what I don't have enough money for that. I have four dollar and fifty two cents to my name and I had to put four dollars worth of that into my car just so that I could get home. Tomorrow I will get paid, but all but thirty dollars of that will go towards bills. Also, tomorrow my mother has to go into the hospital for tests because her heart condition has gotten worse. On top of all of this, I can't talk to either of my closest friends. The one is way to involved with the guy that she likes that seems to be taking an interest in her even though in my opinion he is kind of a jerk and my best friend is in Florida and if that distance isn't far enough, he seems distant when we talk. He gets mad at me because I tell him that I worry about something that he is doing. He tells me that I'm telling him how to live his life. But that isn't the case at all. I'm just concerned. I don't know. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And people wonder why I used to be a cutter and why every day is so fucking hard for me. The best part is, nobody knows.

Could Ya Make Me Number One On Ya Playlist?

I'm a liar and a fake,
Even though I knew what was at stake.
Still I played a fool,
Thought that I was cool,
And cared for you.
Fresh out of a daze,
Starstruck and a recovering addict,
The only thing that I can say,
Is I wish you never looked at me that way.

A Teenage Vow in a Parking Lot

I watch you stare,
At them.
I watch you long,
For them.
To kiss them,
To hold them,
To love them.
And I step back,
Away from you and the scene,
And I sigh a little.
Hurt a little,
Maybe even cry a little,
On the inside.
And you turn around,
To look at me,
But not the same way,
As you looked at them.
You ask what's wrong,
And I say nothing,
While I turn my face,
And whisper everything.
I've wanted for so long to tell you,
But I cower in fear everytime.
See you don't how hard it is,
To watch you long for someone else.
To not be enough,
To be invisible to the one you love.
If you could only see,
That while you're staring,
At them.
Longing,
For them,
That really,
I'm staring,
At you,
Longing,
For you,
Wanting,
To kiss you,
To hold you,
To love you.

A Waging War

It's ten degrees below zero and I'm wrapped up in a blanket, wishing that I was filling my lungs with the soft burn of niccotine. Instead, however I sip a cup of hot coco hoping that it will take the chill away, while a few recurring thoughts keep passing my way. I glance at my phone as it begins to ring, the first sound it's made in the past two days, but after getting my hopes up, I realize it's just a bill collector. A song from an old familiar movie, reminds me of a familiar place not so long ago. And suddenly, I'm filled with remorse as I wonder why everything has to be goodbye. What's wrong with saying hello? Why do we leave everything to chance, when we know that it's only going to bring about another failed attempt or failed romance? But then again, maybe it's just me. I think I put way too much into everything. Into dreams and possibilities, hoping to gain a little in the end. But he cries, and she dies, and we see that the endings are all the same. And with that ending, we will see that all the words put down onto these pages are merely just stories of people and the lives they wish they had. I'm confusing myself and maybe you as well. But this is familiar territory for me. It takes a hard dose of medication to understand me. The thought process that I retain is something that you'll only think you understand. Really, I'm a fake, holding back the things I wish to say, but don't to avoid the moments of dissarray. I think I'm in over my head and I'm the one to blame. I put to much into you and your games. I believe in everything you do and hope that it's all true. But I get caught up in loosing another dream when reality sets in. So maybe I should go against my rule, and say goodbye instead of hello. Who knows.

Come What May

It took some time,
For me to see the light in you.
But you were so unusual,
You saw right through.
The me that everyone knew.
You knew from the start,
What we could be,
And what we could do.
This feeling was oh so new.
I became infatuated with the thought of you.
A sweet surprise I could get used to.
You've become that smile that runs across my face,
When someone mentions your name.
The butterflies in my stomache,
When you cross my way.
And suddenly I'm filled with hope,
Cause you give me hope,
Of love,
Of someone understanding me.
And finally it all makes sense.
I'm in love with you,
The thought of you,
And what we could do.

Updates are FuN

I dyed my hair yesterday. I like it. It's a little more red than before but still more like a brownish red. I'm planning on adding some highlights to it. I'm thinking caramel. Not sure but I'll figure it out. I'm looking for change. Finally got my car fixed today but after it was finally finished, the hood got stuck so I have to take it tomorrow to get that fixed. Not to mention, I also have to change the windshield wipers, find a gas tank, and buy a new dome light. I love cars that don't seem to function. Other than that, things have been pretty normal and pretty great. I have to return to school this week. So NOT looking forward to that. But whatev. Someday I'll look back and be like dude it wasn't that bad. Oh also, continuing with the delema I am having with a certain someone calling my best friend a faggot, his wife now is telling people that I am a liar. That he simply just asked me if my friend was moving to Florida and that I flipped out on him. HELLL FUCKING OOOOO. I was not the only fucking person in the garage. Others have told the same god damn story. What fucking ever. I'm so done. Just wait. Anyway, I'm watching waiting and I need a cig. Peace.

Troubled Souls lost in Insanity

Happiness is a warm gun,
Kept in the palm of my hand.
With fingers gently resting,
On the trigger to my life.
I keep the beat,
With my blistered feet,
And play the game of this and that,
Where I'm someone,
Who knows someone,
Who knows someone that you once knew.
And with the gun powder still on my hand,
I roll up a message with a thought or two,
Carried in a bottle across the ocean blue,
Traveling for miles and miles to you.
A distant memory in the back of your mind,
Like a gun shot ringing in your ear,
Brings truth of a new kind.
A forgotten face,
A familiar place,
And for a moment you think you feel my embrace.
An old familiar scent,
Of perfume and cigarettes,
Drowns you in your realization,
That you did forget.
Everything.
A promise,
A promise of forever and always.

Imagine

I'm so tired of saying goodbye.
Losing love and breaking ties.
Of waking up to darkened skies,
That only bring more metaphors and lies.
It seems all of these words,
Couldn't be further from the truth.
How did we get here?
What did we do?
In despair I bow my head,
There is no peace on earth I said.
For hate is strong and marks the song,
Of peace on earth,
Good will to men.
We've lost hope,
In trusting love.
But what will we do,
When all love is gone,
And hate wraps around the world in the still chill of the night.
For though we may all be departed,
There is still a chance that we will see.
There will be answer.
A reckoning.
Peace on earth.
Let it be.





I've tried to blog about what happened last night. But words fail me everytime. I was hurt by someone that I thought was a member of my family. But because his courage lay in the palm of his hand, taking the shape of a beer can, he spoke the words that crossed his mind. They cut like knives through my hopefilled mind and left me with a question of which I fear the answer. There is no peace on earth. There is too much hate. And because I thought that I could change the world, that I could bring a friend to my home and have them be treated like any other person, I guess I expected people that are the closest to me to shield the harshness of the world and show my friend that not everyone is filled with hate. But I was wrong. I blame myself for believing in peace. For believing in change. For hoping that someday there will be an answer and everyone will let it be. But each day gets worse and worse and people don't see the hate. The violence. The despair. Well this is my solomn vow. It will not happen again. And at the end of the day, I can look in the eyes of my friends and believe that there is still hope. I may be a dreamer. But I'm not the only one. I hope someday everyone will join us and the world will live as one. So to close this blog, I am going to quote my friend that they hurt, "My heart bleeds black for you." And it does. It really does.