Just Let Me try

I tried to tell my grandma that I am planning on moving to Florida and it didn't go over very well. She says she worries about my safety. That because my best friend is gay, that I will be subjected to an environment where people who hate the gay community will not only hurt him but also might try to hurt me. To which, I replied, people are like that everywhere you go and we have dealt. She said she knows and that she worries enough about his safety let alone mine. That she think of him as a member of the family and hopes that everything works out for him. To which I was happy to hear, with exception that she worries about my safety because there are so many other problems in the world that people have to deal with. She said that now that my friend has moved away, it might be easier for me to go out an find someone. Someone that I can have the same friendship with but also might enjoy their company in an intimate way as well. At this point I began to get up from the table. To which she recieved as a direct blow to her comments, automatically thinking that I am angry with her. I try to walk away and just say I'm tired or something. To which, she says you are mad at me. I turned and asked why everyone thinks that the relationship that I have with my gay best friend is ruining my love life. I had no one before him. So why is it his fault that no one cares for me like that. Couldn't the reason be that I am not appealing enough? Couldn't it be that there are not enought men here in this small town? I tell her that I don't want to talk because it makes me sad and that I apologize if it makes her feel bad. I knew that if I stayed, I would only grow increasingly angry with her and frankly I didn't want to fight. I just wish that because my mother and my grandmother care for me so much and want what's best for me, that they could see that I am not chasing my best friend across the country for his sake, but for my own. Because I'm tired of the quietness of this small town and the scenery painted in green. I'm tired of the people in this town and the close mindedness that they condone. I'm dying here and I have a shot at a cure. That cure is the sunny beaches of the coast. Sarasota is not a step in the wrong direction but more of a leap towards the right direction. I'm not chasing Greyson. We are just great friends that think that it would be easier on our own, if we had a great friend there to hold our hand. I don't know. I'm close to just giving up.

Help Me Chase The Shadows Away

What if they were all right?
What if everything that they said was true?
What if I was a fool to believe in simple lies created in my mind?
Could I have overlooked and overturned,
Everything I have ever learned?
What if I wasted all of my emotion on a false belief?
Could I have been such a child,
And believed that the truth was too incomprehensible?
Was I really used?
Did I fall into a spell?
Did I possibly think that it was enough just to stand there,
As me?
That we were really okay?
So maybe I was,
Maybe I wasn't?
I'll never know.
But at least I lived.
At least I breathed.
At least I tried.
And what I had will never fade away like memory.
It will linger always.
So I cannot be mad.

Confessions Part 1 and 2

I have a confession to make. Something that I discovered today. I enjoy sex. Like alot. And I kinda thought that I was your normal human being and that the fact that I have and enjoy sex a lot was just normal. But I discovered today that I use sex to make myself feel better. About two hours ago, I was sitting here not feeling all that great, annoyed by some people, and had some things on my mind. So the first thought that comes into my head is oooohhhh how about some sex. And we all know what that led to. It was good sex. I mean really good sex. It was really hot sex too. But then when it was all over, I was like okay ummm...im bored. Which leads me to my second point. I hate small talk. I don't like small talk when you run into your mother's bosses' wive's first son at the grocery store and attempt to act like you care. I mean hellooooooo come on. You both know that niether one of you can remember the other person's name or how you know them, yet people always stand there and make small talk. As if the situation isn't awkward enough, let's add some how are you?'s and what have you been up to?'s even though you know you aren't going to pay attention to the details of their lives as they spill their guts to you. You just want to quickly move on and buy that loaf of bread you originally come into the store for. But okay, back to my point and I do have one. As if small talk in any situation is bad, let's talk about small talk before sex. I mean okay. If any of you out there have ever been involved in a friend's with benefits relationship with anyone, you know that the only reason why you are really meeting up with that person is to get a little action. That's all I was looking for. OH GOD HE PISSES ME OFF!!!!! Don't sit there and be like soooo...."how have you been?" "how is work?" "when did you get your nose pierced?" "I like your car" when really you have no intention of even caring the slightest when I give a response. Seriously, you never cared before, so why start now when I'm only looking for a little fun. God. For real. You don't like me even if you keep telling me that. I can't trust you to even think about liking you. So just stop with the "we are such great friends" bullshit. Let's just have a little fun and then go back to our normal lives.

It's you

I'm holding on to you.
I'm holding on to truth.
And the only thing I got going for me,
Is you.
I've found hope,
At the bottom of the bottle.
And I've finally found the light,
In the pinkness of my scars.
Still through it all,
The only thing I needed,
Was you.
Cause you watched me fall,
You offered me a hand.
Helped me to my feet,
So that I could start again.
Wiped the tear from my eye,
And you taught me not to throw away,
The garbage that was me.
So I layed my head down on your chest,
As it moved up and down,
Listening to the sound of your heart,
Building me a home.
Cause what I had,
And all that I needed,
Was you.
And you're still here,
In the end,
Where the chapter begins to close,
And I realized that the best part about me,
The thing I look forward to the most,
Is you.

Times are a changing

So here is an update on how the holiday went. Christmas was okay. It was difficult not to be able to give as much back to my family as I would have liked to, however it was nice. I got to spend some time with the family and also the best friend came home which was amazing. I was able to spend some time with him and also see some other friends that I haven't seen in awhile. However, Greyson left this morning. It was hard. Like really hard. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry. But I did. It was terrible. It was raining, I couldn't see through the tears and the rain, and to top it all off, every song on the radio was about moving away or saying goodbye to someone. Oh god. It was bad. I thought maybe I wouldn't cry so bad because of the fact that I have gotten so used to having to say goodbye to him. But it wasn't the same this time because I know that I won't be seeing him soon. All the other times that he has left, I could look forward to seeing him again in a couple of weeks or what not. But not this time. This time, he isn't just going to be 3 1/2 hours away or 5 1/2 hours away. No, he is going to be like a two hour plane ride away. Hopefully, things work out for him down there. If everything goes according to plan I will be down there with him in March. That is if he still wants me to come down there. It's funny though because I have told everyone here that I am planning on moving down there. They just all think that I mean in years of so and I just agree with them. But really, I want to go as soon as possible. I can't wait. I think that it is going to be so great down there. I can only hope.

Stay Out

Something that really bothers me is when people get into your space or take things without asking. Oh it pisses me off so bad. I don't care if you borrow something of mine, but please ask first and bring it back. Just don't go into my room and take anything you want and expect me not to get angry. HELLOOO....it's my stuff and when it's not there when I need it, I am going to get angry. UGH... I am so fucking pissed off right now. YOu have no idea.

I Absolutely love Mamma Mia!

I've only seen you twice
In a short time
Only a day since we started
It seems to me
For every time
I'm getting more open-hearted
Your smile
And the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling,
You give me no choice
And it means a lot to me
So I wanna know
What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
Can you feel it the way I do?
And you make me talk,
And you make me feel,'
And you make me show,
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you
Would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me?
If I said I care about you.
Could you feel the same way too?
I wanna know,
What's the name of the game?