Sorry To Ruin the Moment

I thought that by the time someone was my age, they usually had their life figured out. Well maybe not all of it but for the most part, they have an idea of where they are going and how they are going to get there. Confusion and skepticism have become such an everyday part of my life that I'm starting to lose sight of the little things. The things that matter most. If someone was to ask me, right here in this particular moment, who I am, I don't believe that I could give them an answer. Truth is, I don't really know. There is so much that I would like to be and so much that I want for me, that summing it all up into a few particular words that no one could understand would just be too difficult. I wonder, sometimes, on nights like tonight, what will ever become of me. Will I ever find what I'm looking for? Because honestly, I'm tired of thinking that I've found it, that thing that I'm looking for, and letting down my guard and all the walls that I've built up so friggen high, only to find that there is something about that thing that isn't right. Something that I didn't see coming and just won't fit into my plan. I don't know wrong from right anymore. I can't even trust my own feelings to guide me in my decision making because they just keep screwing everything up. I just want to know that there is something out there to keep me going. I just want .... oh I don't know what I want. I want someone to need me like I've needed people. I want someone to want to know my darkest deepest secrets and yet they won't run. I want someone to see beyond the me I portray, to the girl that thrives for love and acceptance. I just want to know that I'm good enough for someone. Ugh.....I need something different from this quietness. I need excitement. I need out. Only I know my own condition. Only I know what is really going on and frankly, I'm dying in this sheltered life.