Untitled Part II

I'm sorry that I hold on,
I'm sorry that I'm unbearable at best.
Maybe you should just stay away,
Cuz I'm getting weaker everyday.
I guess I'm not as strong as I used to be.
And if you use me again,
It will be the end of me.
I don't know why I get like this.
I'm a mess.
But if you only knew,
You wouldn't judge me like this.
The thoughts inside my head,
Are uncontrollable at best.
But I'll work on it,
I promise you this.
Ill let you go.
I'll forget this.
It will be as if the memory never did exist.
Eventually,
I'll control this.

Untitled Part I

I've never felt more alone.
It's so overrated, but I literally have no one.
Everyone is moving on.
And I'm stuck....here....
In the quietness of my mind in the emptiness of my soul.
I can't let go of what used to be,
I know that I can't have that forever.
I've mentioned before that I do, however, seem to dream of the impossibilities.
But as I think about my lack of future,
I can only hope for the best for the one's that I care about the most.
While they are out their chasing dreams,
Where am I but to be a memory?
I don't want to be forgotten.
But I guess the hardest part is letting go,
Of what used to be,
Of a memory.

Breaking Dawn

Sometimes I feel as though there is an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. The repelling forces that I exert in an attempt to fill the space only leave me wanting more. There is temptation in giving up, yet I am eager to carry on. Silly as though it may seem, I am cursed to a life filled with confusion. There is more, so much more. But I'm lacking clarity in what is it that I am trying to say. I'm running out of adrenaline and the morphine is running low. I am wrecked, overblown, and not to mention fed up with this common cold. Maybe I'm tired. Maybed I'm stressed. Then again, maybe this sanity is sanity after all. Maybe I'm right and have been all along.

Eclipse

I'm in love with impossibility. I have found this to be true, however tonight I find myself sitting here wondering about the same repetitive topic that has been occupying my thoughts for quite some time now. Is it possible to find your soulmate but impossible to act due to unmovable forces? That probably doesn't even make any sense to you but in my mind it does. Reason being is that I think that has happened to me. No one can understand because its hard to explain. The person that I feel is right for me is somehow not right for me. The best part is that I don't think he will ever know how I really feel. The irony of life never ceases to amaze me. It's unavoidable and yet unattainable. It's just another day and I'm still keeping this secret deep.

Love Actually

Tell me, do you really understnd me? I'm giving all that I can give. I have nothing left to give. Take it all. But tell me, do you hear what I'm saying? Do you know me at all?

This is True

I let you go. I put you away. I stored you in a box in my memory. I knew I would remember the times we shared. But, I only planned on dragging you out on rainy days. You gave me up. You chose a new path. And it hurt me at first, but I moved on. I put a smile on, and pretended to be just fine. However, now you've come back to tell me that you miss me. That you miss hearing my voice. That you miss talking to me and txting me all day. I don't know how to react to that. Because I did such a good job at hiding my pain. I did such a good job at putting you in that box and letting you go. You chose her. I can't forget that. And even though it wasn't that long ago, the past is the past. You're not measuring up. But still, you're there and I'm confused.

Pepsi Is My Drug of Choice

I'm enjoying the peace and serentiy of an afternoon cigarette while I bask in the warmth of the sun. Haha....what a line that was. However, it is true. I'm indulging in the reality that is my life. Watching romance movies and fantasizing about a future to come. It's quite extroadinary, I might add, this idea that I have for my future. The man of my dreams sends shivers down my spine. God, I feel like a little girl. I want a man right out of a movie. I want to sip wine and dance to Frank Sinatra on the patio of our house underneath the summer sky. I want him to enjoy music the way that I enjoy music. Playing the piano or being able to sing couldn't hurt. Because if he could love music and enjoy it the way that I do, we could spend late nights making music together. I want a love that will never die. Excitement in the realtionship that won't ever end. I want to only long for him. I want to wake up to him and sleep next to him every night. Wow. I just re-read this. I should really stop. This, I fear has gone past being a blog, to just some random spell for my soulmate. Anywhoo....I have the next two days off from work, so I have a feeling that I will be able to write a lot more. I'll have a chance to relax, expect for the four hours that I'll spend on homework while I attempt to make something of my life. But as for right now, I just got a chill so I'm gonna head back inside. I'll try to write some more later.

P.S. I'm moving out....soon hopefully.

Because I Said So

I’m not what you’re looking for,
And I’m not who you’ll choose.
But I indulge in fantasies,
Cause I have nothing left to lose.
You’re oblivious, to my reality,
And I’m a bit confused.
Truth is, I really don’t know what to do.
And this relationship has become a bit abused.
I never intended to be that girl.
I always had a plan.
And suddenly I’m all caught up,
In something that just began.
I know that it’s impossible,
Still I pray for the impossibility to come true.
You’ve become that one,
I’ll measure everyone else up to.

Chase this light with me?

She's lonely,
She's numb,
And she hears what she wants to hear.
She prays,
She waits,
And she swears she won't shed a tear.
But the rain pounding on her window pane,
Sets a standard for a brand new day.
And the emptiness burns a hole through her skin.
While she waits for the thunder to begin.
The softness she finds,
In the comedy,
Of the tragedy,
Is sureal, even to her.
The face of peace,
The subtleness of hope,
The calmness in the storm,
Is the clarity behind it all.
Sanity forgotten,
And blasphemy restored.
She is unearthed.
And she is unscarred.
She is broken, yet free,
Dancing to the melody,
Of the wind and the storm,
Unafraid,
And unalarmed,
She collapses to the ground.
This is it,
This is now.
The center of it all.
Everything stops,
No sound,
Nothing at all.
Just the beating of her own heart,
As she watches the rest of the world fall.

Love, Save the Empty

There's something about the way you look at me.
The way you stare right through me.
There's something about the way I feel at peace with you.
The way I feel I belong with you.
And there's something about the aftermath,
The ending of a chosen path,
That makes me feel so alone.
Like I've lost a part of me.
Because I miss those nights of staying up just to breathe,
To breathe in you.
To breathe in the serenity.
The excitement,
That I feel with you.
But when this emptiness takes hold,
I only long for more.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your stare.
I miss you.