Destination Failure and Disappearance

It has been so long since I have blogged. My life has been total and utter chaos. In the past 3 months, I have managed to completely lose myself. I honestly couldn't tell you who I am today. I have done so many things that I regret. I have lost so many people that are close to me and this past weekend proved to be the end of everything that was me. I fucked up so badly that I can't even begin to find a way to reconcile with the person I hurt, or better yet myself. I think I lost my best friend. I know we are trying to work things out, but honestly I think I fucked up so badly that I will never ever get the relationship back that I had with him. I have no one to blame but myself and that is what kills me the most. I have to face the music and it is so incredibly hard. I am so ashamed of the person I have become. I let myself go against my morals and my own judgement several times within these past three months. I let my addiction to lust control my body and my mind. I can't even talk about the things I have done and the worst part is, I can't talk to anyone about it because things would only get worse. I would only hurt more people. Only one person knows about everything and by everything, I mean what happened this past weekend and what happened with this particular taken male. But this person that knows everything about my fuck ups and about me, is the person I managed to hurt beyond repair. It would be so better off for everyone if I just disappeared. I'm not goign to kill myself so relax. I'm just saying the thought has crossed my mind and be it six feet under or sixy thousand miles away from everything, it would be in the best interest for everyone that knows me. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pitty me. I don't want that. You should be angry with me. You should hate me. You should look at me with disgust. How can you even see the me I used to be when I dont' even recognize myself in the mirror. I'm not posting this because I want the "oh woe is me" drama. I'm posting this because I am being honest with myself and with everyone. I could disappear. I want to disappear. I should disappear.

Now I know how you really feel about me.

Rain On Me

It's so cold.
I'm so cold.
This light has faded,
The emptiness has returned,
And all has wilted into the darkness.
But where am I?
I can't be found.
I'm lost in this abyss,
In this empty sea of lonliness.
You've turned your back,
You've shut me out,
And you're prepared to say your final goodbyes.
But have you forgotten what we used to have?
Have you forgotten the me, you used to know?
I hold your memory in the back of my mind,
Hoping someday you'll realize,
That yesterday can't be forgotten,
Unless you've given up on today.
Unless you've given up on me.

My Reflection Compared to My Reaction

I hate the mirror on the wall. I hate the person staring back at me.I hate the way she looks as she stares right through me. I don't want to be her. I want to rip the flesh from her bones and play Picasso for a day, just so I can paint it all over again. Maybe this time, a little bit more like the girl I want her to be. I hate the shape she forms. I hate the space she occupies because skinny is not in her dictionary. I despise the way she looks on the outside and I can't stand who she is on the inside. I want more than just simple flesh tones and a half-hearted smile. I want more than just some freak with mascara running down her face because she can't hold back. I hate the way she stares at me after a shower because the time she spent praying just to relax under a waterfall of hot water, was really time she that she fought the silence because it was screaming the truth. I hate the scars on her arms and legs. I hate what they mean and I hate the temptation that she fights off everday just to keep the blood from trickling down her sleeve. I hate her eyes because they see the real me. I hate her smile because it's so fake. I hate the person she was and the person she is and the person she will become. I hate that she exists. I hate that she is me.

Summer Stars

It’s a thrill I can’t shake.
Really, it’s the burn of your eyes as they stare into mine.
It’s getting caught up in the awkwardness of feeling fine,
Of never accepting when things go dire or realizing that you’re about to break.
It’s the ability to forget,
To never regret,
To never worry about life being way too short to change your world.
It’s the impact of it all.
And it’s the happiness that I feel,
When you smile.
When we’re together.
When we’re free to believe in the lies,
To believe in the secrets and whispers that radiate from each other’s faces.
And it’s true,
That secret, that furtive, that covert operation in which we both suppress,
Is what we hide.
But really it’s the adrenaline, the rush, the perpetuous blindness of it all,
The discretion, the shades of grey meaning that turn out so sweetly,
The hope filled lines that you deliver,
The afterglow of happiness that we walk away with,
That I love.
That I long for.
The craziness of it all,
The idea that destiny is being fulfilled,
That soul mates really do exist,
And the idea that I can be me without trying so hard,
To be what you want me to be.
Its emotions, turmoil, heartache, attention, affection, devotion,
And everything in between,
That draws us near
To fixing mistakes,
To learning and growing,
To carving x’s and o’s in our minds,
To the tunes of each other that softly play in our ears,
To being one with each other,
To wanting to be that thrill that you can’t shake,
To never giving up on the promises we make,
That I live for.

Too Much Time On My Hands

Her name rings in your ears,
Like a memory that you once knew,
And you don’t know why you’d love to love her.
In all your life,
You’ve never seen a woman,
So free and so sure,
So taken by the wind.
She sets her rules and her own limits,
A golden girl immersed in a hard core world,
The last kind of her generation.
Still she’s dangerous when it comes to bearing her soul
She is darkness and she is mystery,
The magic of a blackened night.
Like falling sands of time,
She blows your mind like the wind.
And wouldn’t you just love to love her.
You know it’s hard to find someone with that kind of intensity.
But in the end,
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Gave you everything you ever wanted,
But there you go again,
Saying you want your freedom,
It’s only right that you play it the way you feel it.
But listen carefully to the sounds of your loneliness
Trust your first initial feeling.
So you hope and you pray,
That the breeze will again blow your way,
That someday your paths will cross,
And maybe she would love to love you,
But all the meanwhile she just wonders who will be her lover.

For Worse or For Better

You said you needed your space
I wasn't where you wanted to be
I didn't stand in your way
I only want you to be happy
And so surprised am I to see you here tonight
Sometimes in our lives
We get to where we wonder if
The long road that we're on
Is heading in the same direction
When it comes to you and me
We're right where I know we should be
Sometimes it's like we're deep in nothing but love
And the slightest thing can grow so foolishly
Please
Can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
Just know that we're better together.....