Now I know how you really feel about me.

Rain On Me

It's so cold.
I'm so cold.
This light has faded,
The emptiness has returned,
And all has wilted into the darkness.
But where am I?
I can't be found.
I'm lost in this abyss,
In this empty sea of lonliness.
You've turned your back,
You've shut me out,
And you're prepared to say your final goodbyes.
But have you forgotten what we used to have?
Have you forgotten the me, you used to know?
I hold your memory in the back of my mind,
Hoping someday you'll realize,
That yesterday can't be forgotten,
Unless you've given up on today.
Unless you've given up on me.

My Reflection Compared to My Reaction

I hate the mirror on the wall. I hate the person staring back at me.I hate the way she looks as she stares right through me. I don't want to be her. I want to rip the flesh from her bones and play Picasso for a day, just so I can paint it all over again. Maybe this time, a little bit more like the girl I want her to be. I hate the shape she forms. I hate the space she occupies because skinny is not in her dictionary. I despise the way she looks on the outside and I can't stand who she is on the inside. I want more than just simple flesh tones and a half-hearted smile. I want more than just some freak with mascara running down her face because she can't hold back. I hate the way she stares at me after a shower because the time she spent praying just to relax under a waterfall of hot water, was really time she that she fought the silence because it was screaming the truth. I hate the scars on her arms and legs. I hate what they mean and I hate the temptation that she fights off everday just to keep the blood from trickling down her sleeve. I hate her eyes because they see the real me. I hate her smile because it's so fake. I hate the person she was and the person she is and the person she will become. I hate that she exists. I hate that she is me.

Summer Stars

It’s a thrill I can’t shake.
Really, it’s the burn of your eyes as they stare into mine.
It’s getting caught up in the awkwardness of feeling fine,
Of never accepting when things go dire or realizing that you’re about to break.
It’s the ability to forget,
To never regret,
To never worry about life being way too short to change your world.
It’s the impact of it all.
And it’s the happiness that I feel,
When you smile.
When we’re together.
When we’re free to believe in the lies,
To believe in the secrets and whispers that radiate from each other’s faces.
And it’s true,
That secret, that furtive, that covert operation in which we both suppress,
Is what we hide.
But really it’s the adrenaline, the rush, the perpetuous blindness of it all,
The discretion, the shades of grey meaning that turn out so sweetly,
The hope filled lines that you deliver,
The afterglow of happiness that we walk away with,
That I love.
That I long for.
The craziness of it all,
The idea that destiny is being fulfilled,
That soul mates really do exist,
And the idea that I can be me without trying so hard,
To be what you want me to be.
Its emotions, turmoil, heartache, attention, affection, devotion,
And everything in between,
That draws us near
To fixing mistakes,
To learning and growing,
To carving x’s and o’s in our minds,
To the tunes of each other that softly play in our ears,
To being one with each other,
To wanting to be that thrill that you can’t shake,
To never giving up on the promises we make,
That I live for.

Too Much Time On My Hands

Her name rings in your ears,
Like a memory that you once knew,
And you don’t know why you’d love to love her.
In all your life,
You’ve never seen a woman,
So free and so sure,
So taken by the wind.
She sets her rules and her own limits,
A golden girl immersed in a hard core world,
The last kind of her generation.
Still she’s dangerous when it comes to bearing her soul
She is darkness and she is mystery,
The magic of a blackened night.
Like falling sands of time,
She blows your mind like the wind.
And wouldn’t you just love to love her.
You know it’s hard to find someone with that kind of intensity.
But in the end,
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Gave you everything you ever wanted,
But there you go again,
Saying you want your freedom,
It’s only right that you play it the way you feel it.
But listen carefully to the sounds of your loneliness
Trust your first initial feeling.
So you hope and you pray,
That the breeze will again blow your way,
That someday your paths will cross,
And maybe she would love to love you,
But all the meanwhile she just wonders who will be her lover.

For Worse or For Better

You said you needed your space
I wasn't where you wanted to be
I didn't stand in your way
I only want you to be happy
And so surprised am I to see you here tonight
Sometimes in our lives
We get to where we wonder if
The long road that we're on
Is heading in the same direction
When it comes to you and me
We're right where I know we should be
Sometimes it's like we're deep in nothing but love
And the slightest thing can grow so foolishly
Please
Can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
Just know that we're better together.....

Set You Free

There's alot to be said about the game.
The game we play.
The game I'm playing.
It's a game I refuse to lose.
I will not lose.
I will fight for eternity,
For forever,
If that's what it takes,
I will wait in the wings of your life,
Till you find the truth.
And you'll decide to stay.

The Flame

I can't believe that you lied to me.
I trusted you and thought that you do no wrong.
I believed in you and put my faith in you.
But you lied.
You lied to me.
Now I don't know what to believe.

Guilty

This I know, things will change.
I am dead and dead is me.
Without this, I cannot breathe.

Untitled Part II

I'm sorry that I hold on,
I'm sorry that I'm unbearable at best.
Maybe you should just stay away,
Cuz I'm getting weaker everyday.
I guess I'm not as strong as I used to be.
And if you use me again,
It will be the end of me.
I don't know why I get like this.
I'm a mess.
But if you only knew,
You wouldn't judge me like this.
The thoughts inside my head,
Are uncontrollable at best.
But I'll work on it,
I promise you this.
Ill let you go.
I'll forget this.
It will be as if the memory never did exist.
Eventually,
I'll control this.

Untitled Part I

I've never felt more alone.
It's so overrated, but I literally have no one.
Everyone is moving on.
And I'm stuck....here....
In the quietness of my mind in the emptiness of my soul.
I can't let go of what used to be,
I know that I can't have that forever.
I've mentioned before that I do, however, seem to dream of the impossibilities.
But as I think about my lack of future,
I can only hope for the best for the one's that I care about the most.
While they are out their chasing dreams,
Where am I but to be a memory?
I don't want to be forgotten.
But I guess the hardest part is letting go,
Of what used to be,
Of a memory.

Breaking Dawn

Sometimes I feel as though there is an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. The repelling forces that I exert in an attempt to fill the space only leave me wanting more. There is temptation in giving up, yet I am eager to carry on. Silly as though it may seem, I am cursed to a life filled with confusion. There is more, so much more. But I'm lacking clarity in what is it that I am trying to say. I'm running out of adrenaline and the morphine is running low. I am wrecked, overblown, and not to mention fed up with this common cold. Maybe I'm tired. Maybed I'm stressed. Then again, maybe this sanity is sanity after all. Maybe I'm right and have been all along.

Eclipse

I'm in love with impossibility. I have found this to be true, however tonight I find myself sitting here wondering about the same repetitive topic that has been occupying my thoughts for quite some time now. Is it possible to find your soulmate but impossible to act due to unmovable forces? That probably doesn't even make any sense to you but in my mind it does. Reason being is that I think that has happened to me. No one can understand because its hard to explain. The person that I feel is right for me is somehow not right for me. The best part is that I don't think he will ever know how I really feel. The irony of life never ceases to amaze me. It's unavoidable and yet unattainable. It's just another day and I'm still keeping this secret deep.

Love Actually

Tell me, do you really understnd me? I'm giving all that I can give. I have nothing left to give. Take it all. But tell me, do you hear what I'm saying? Do you know me at all?

This is True

I let you go. I put you away. I stored you in a box in my memory. I knew I would remember the times we shared. But, I only planned on dragging you out on rainy days. You gave me up. You chose a new path. And it hurt me at first, but I moved on. I put a smile on, and pretended to be just fine. However, now you've come back to tell me that you miss me. That you miss hearing my voice. That you miss talking to me and txting me all day. I don't know how to react to that. Because I did such a good job at hiding my pain. I did such a good job at putting you in that box and letting you go. You chose her. I can't forget that. And even though it wasn't that long ago, the past is the past. You're not measuring up. But still, you're there and I'm confused.

Pepsi Is My Drug of Choice

I'm enjoying the peace and serentiy of an afternoon cigarette while I bask in the warmth of the sun. Haha....what a line that was. However, it is true. I'm indulging in the reality that is my life. Watching romance movies and fantasizing about a future to come. It's quite extroadinary, I might add, this idea that I have for my future. The man of my dreams sends shivers down my spine. God, I feel like a little girl. I want a man right out of a movie. I want to sip wine and dance to Frank Sinatra on the patio of our house underneath the summer sky. I want him to enjoy music the way that I enjoy music. Playing the piano or being able to sing couldn't hurt. Because if he could love music and enjoy it the way that I do, we could spend late nights making music together. I want a love that will never die. Excitement in the realtionship that won't ever end. I want to only long for him. I want to wake up to him and sleep next to him every night. Wow. I just re-read this. I should really stop. This, I fear has gone past being a blog, to just some random spell for my soulmate. Anywhoo....I have the next two days off from work, so I have a feeling that I will be able to write a lot more. I'll have a chance to relax, expect for the four hours that I'll spend on homework while I attempt to make something of my life. But as for right now, I just got a chill so I'm gonna head back inside. I'll try to write some more later.

P.S. I'm moving out....soon hopefully.

Because I Said So

I’m not what you’re looking for,
And I’m not who you’ll choose.
But I indulge in fantasies,
Cause I have nothing left to lose.
You’re oblivious, to my reality,
And I’m a bit confused.
Truth is, I really don’t know what to do.
And this relationship has become a bit abused.
I never intended to be that girl.
I always had a plan.
And suddenly I’m all caught up,
In something that just began.
I know that it’s impossible,
Still I pray for the impossibility to come true.
You’ve become that one,
I’ll measure everyone else up to.

Chase this light with me?

She's lonely,
She's numb,
And she hears what she wants to hear.
She prays,
She waits,
And she swears she won't shed a tear.
But the rain pounding on her window pane,
Sets a standard for a brand new day.
And the emptiness burns a hole through her skin.
While she waits for the thunder to begin.
The softness she finds,
In the comedy,
Of the tragedy,
Is sureal, even to her.
The face of peace,
The subtleness of hope,
The calmness in the storm,
Is the clarity behind it all.
Sanity forgotten,
And blasphemy restored.
She is unearthed.
And she is unscarred.
She is broken, yet free,
Dancing to the melody,
Of the wind and the storm,
Unafraid,
And unalarmed,
She collapses to the ground.
This is it,
This is now.
The center of it all.
Everything stops,
No sound,
Nothing at all.
Just the beating of her own heart,
As she watches the rest of the world fall.

Love, Save the Empty

There's something about the way you look at me.
The way you stare right through me.
There's something about the way I feel at peace with you.
The way I feel I belong with you.
And there's something about the aftermath,
The ending of a chosen path,
That makes me feel so alone.
Like I've lost a part of me.
Because I miss those nights of staying up just to breathe,
To breathe in you.
To breathe in the serenity.
The excitement,
That I feel with you.
But when this emptiness takes hold,
I only long for more.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your stare.
I miss you.

Don't Worry About It

There's nothing like sitting in you bedroom, with your feet hanging out of your window, at 1:30 in the morning, smoking a cig and writing a blog. It's an amazing feeling, this early in the morning or this late at night, whever way you decide to look at it, because for a few short moments, time stands still. I am one with my thoughts. My head isn't spinning and my heart isn't racing. Suddenly things make sense. There is clarity. Staring at the stars offers hope and the song playing in my ear gives me chills. This is the one time, I don't mind silence. I don't mind the quiet. I can relfect upon the day. I only wished that I had someone here to share this moment with. This night. This moment. This cig. But it's just me, my thoughts, this cig, this song, and this blog. It's just me.

Go Your Own Way

This silence kills me.
I feel you.
Breathe you.
Need you.
Want you.
I'm begging for some corruption.
Some profanity.
Some bliss.
It's wrong.
But it right.
It's strange,
But it's alright.
Touch me,
Hold me,
Love me,
Feel me,
See me,
Know me.

Friday Night In Bed With You

I pegged you as my only hope.
And I begged you not to go,
To pause the time,
To give it a try,
As we finished out these perfect lies.
Another clever word,
Sets off an unsuspecting hurt.
And no one even knew,
That it was really only you,
That lies in the foreground of my memory,
Perhaps even in a fantasy,
Of someone that I wished you could be.
Still the postcard always looks the same,
A beautiful view of a sunset on the coast,
Something, I'm sure, I'll never get to see.
Because I've lost the ability to believe,
In anything but this.
Because I'm a disaster,
Your mistake,
That risk that you couldn't take,
And the fact that I might care,
A little too much for words,
But not enough to share,
Would be the flaw in the dare,

Infamy

I want to run.
I want to hide.
And I'm hurting on the inside.
These things you say,
I just don't understand.
I'm confused and torn,
And apparently changed.
I'm sorry.
It's me.
I just can't believe,
Everything that's happening to me.

Damn You

I hate you. Why did you have to come back after all this time? Why did you have to say something like that after all this time. I was finally over you. I was finally done crying myself to sleep. I had finally found peace at night. But here you are again. And I know that I can't let you back in. You'll just run away again. Like you always do. Cuz you are so damn good at that. You can't face the truth. Well you hurt me and I had finally found some relief. But now you're back. Why? Why would you come back and say that?

Ugh I Can't Decide

I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for all of this damn confusion. I don't know what to do. I just don't fucking know.

These Lines I Delive Are Fake

Okay I love scary movies. I love just spending random days off just watching scary movies. However, my question is why do they always seem to have the same plot? Seriously can't they ever come up with something new. There is always going to be that chick that screams at fucking everything and always gets her self killed in the beginning. There is always gonna be that boy and that girl that are so powerfully in love that they always end up winning and getting through in the end. Haha I love watching them but I just want to see a scary movie that is seriously going to freak me the fuck out. It has been forever since one has done that. Everytime I think one is going to be so friggen scary, all the good parts are shown during the previews and the movie doesn't live up to it's potential. Lol whatever this is lame. I'm blogging about scary movies on my day off. Time to go get a shower and go shopping. Then be back to town by 7 for the dessert theatre. Peace out.

An Art of Ages

Do me a favor and forget me. Forget all about what you think you know and what you think you don't know. Don't relive any moments from the past. Just leave it be. I'm not what you want. I'm not what you need. So stop chasing after me. Because it's getting harder and harder to say no. I don't want to be the cause. I don't want to hurt you in the end.

Sorry To Ruin the Moment

I thought that by the time someone was my age, they usually had their life figured out. Well maybe not all of it but for the most part, they have an idea of where they are going and how they are going to get there. Confusion and skepticism have become such an everyday part of my life that I'm starting to lose sight of the little things. The things that matter most. If someone was to ask me, right here in this particular moment, who I am, I don't believe that I could give them an answer. Truth is, I don't really know. There is so much that I would like to be and so much that I want for me, that summing it all up into a few particular words that no one could understand would just be too difficult. I wonder, sometimes, on nights like tonight, what will ever become of me. Will I ever find what I'm looking for? Because honestly, I'm tired of thinking that I've found it, that thing that I'm looking for, and letting down my guard and all the walls that I've built up so friggen high, only to find that there is something about that thing that isn't right. Something that I didn't see coming and just won't fit into my plan. I don't know wrong from right anymore. I can't even trust my own feelings to guide me in my decision making because they just keep screwing everything up. I just want to know that there is something out there to keep me going. I just want .... oh I don't know what I want. I want someone to need me like I've needed people. I want someone to want to know my darkest deepest secrets and yet they won't run. I want someone to see beyond the me I portray, to the girl that thrives for love and acceptance. I just want to know that I'm good enough for someone. Ugh.....I need something different from this quietness. I need excitement. I need out. Only I know my own condition. Only I know what is really going on and frankly, I'm dying in this sheltered life.

The Hours

This is silence.
This is me.
This is existence,
Labeled and un-free.
This is sheltered,
This is hope,
I’m bearing costs,
And learning to cope.
I’m losing sight of certain things,
Like confidence and reality,
Losing faith in colors and dreams,
Yet holding on to peace and equality.
I have my strength,
And I have my mind.
I’m stubborn and committed,
Yet unmistakably kind.
I have desires,
And I crave passion,
I fantasize,
And lack some when it comes to fashion.
I’ve been down,
Burdened and broken,
But the lessons I’ve learned,
Have become irreplaceable tokens.
I’m losing my faith in colors and dreams,
I still believe in the power of you and me.
We’re wild and untamed,
Uncontrollable yet shamed.
You are my air,
My rock,
My stone,
And lord help me,
If I ever lose my faith in you.

A Whole New World

I'm watching Aladdin and I'm loving it. I miss Disney movies and being a kid. I'm also ranting about stupid bitches that think they are irreplaceable. Bitch you're so not worth my time. FU. Second thing on my agenda, All men are douchers. For real. Third of all.....I think I still have feelings for you.

It's All Your Fault

If you could only see,
The way I look at you.
Beyond the staRe when you look at me,
What I long to do.
If you could only hEar,
WhAt I'm reaLLy saying,
When I saY nothing at alL.
The message that I convey,
Could be quIte breathtaKing.
If you could only feel,
What I fEel,
When I stand next to you.
The adrenaline, I'm afraid,
Could be a little captivating.
If you could only know,
WhY I'm the way I am,
When you're arOund,
The psychosis, yes the craziness,
Can be sort of intoxicating.
Still yoU say you see it all,
Hear it all,
Feel it all,
Know it all,
But you don't.
No you don't see how I really feel.
Things are not just what you see.
Life is still a mystery.

Unstoppable

There's an aching in your voice,
A sadness in your heart,
A conflict in the choice,
And you're off to a bit of a rough start.
Still I yearn to heal your pain,
To ease your sorrow,
To be the break in the rain,
Another day, a new tomorrow.
We'll live each day like it's our last.
Find hope and build some dreams.
Leave old bridges in the past.
Meand old broken seams.
Find peace and follow it with love.
Make our mark, plant a few seeds,
Ask for help from up above,
Fulfill desires, wants, and needs.
Let nothing stand in our way,
Tomorrow will be too late,
Because today is our last day.

Insomnia

So I've been on vacation for the past four days. I was only supposed to stay for three days, but something happened last night that made that impossible. I've had a really good time. It's been great to catch up on things with Grey since it feels like we haven't seen each other in forever. We have made some new memories. He took me to my first club, which surprisingly was more fun than I thought it would be. I'm not really into that whole scene. I can go to them, I just am not one of those people that are extremely outgoing and just don't give a fuck. I'm like a horrible dancer, but he really wanted to go and it really did end up being fun. That is until we began to walk back to the car. See I had borrowed my friend's car to come down to Allentown to visit Grey. So I was being extremely careful. However, when we walked back to the car from the club, everything seemed normal. There was a cop sitting around the corner from where we parked so everything seemed safe. Only when we got back to the car, we discovered that the driver's side window had been busted out and my gps system and ipod had been stolen. I was fucking pissed. I was actually having a breakdown as we drove back to the house. I had no idea what the hell I was going to say to my friend. However, she took it a lot better than I thought she would. We ended up spending the entire day today finding a new window for her car. We ended up getting it installed and everything went well. But seriously, this is how every vacation I ever take ends up. FML

2 Days

So I have two more days and then I get to see my favoritest person in the whole wide world....YAY

There's Only Us, There's Only This. Forget Regret or Life is Your's To Miss

Lately I've been dreaming,
That you will come around.
That the thickness in the air,
And the stillness of the night,
Will catch your troubled head,
And show you wrong from right.
Lately I've been losing myself,
Inside the colors on the wall.
Straining just to hear a sound,
Other than the beat of my own heart.
And the silence after a missed call.
Lately I've been wanting,
To show you that I care.
To be your bar of steel,
To share the secrets that you bare.
But at the end of the day,
You're still a million miles away.
And I'm the one begging you to reconsider,
You're own fate.
To choose me,
Instead of them.
To give in to what you want.
What you long for.
Because I'm just a girl,
Standing in front of a boy,
Asking him,
To love her.

I Needed You

She's dying, he can't be with me, and I'm awkwardly caught up in the midst of something different with a coworker, yet I can't talk to you because you're somewhere with your lips pressed to a bottle. It hurts.

Amazing

I'm in love with the thought of you.
You've got me feeling like me again.
Butterflies,
And endless dreams,
I'm encountering because of you.
And I love that you're what I fall asleep to,
And I love that you're what I wake up to,
I think I'm falling for you.
And I hope that's a good thing.

The Need For You Is Silly Really

Close those deep, need you eyes of yours,
And listen to the melody,
Of my heart pounding fast,
While you hold my hand and we walk along the beach,
Barefoot in the sand.
I close my eyes and hold my breath,
Hoping that it will last.
That you will become something fresh, something new.
A remedy to cure my past.
Yet, people tell me I'm crazy,
That's everything is hazy,
That you're only the up before the down.
Still you're keeping the beat,
Keeping me steady,
While we tear up this town.

Saving Grace

I'm tired and alone.
But I'm okay.
There's a twinkle in my eye,
Because I have faith,
That maybe tomorow will be a better day.
I guess I just got lost,
Being someone else.
I've tried to kill the pain,
But nothing really helps.
I've lost the me,
I used to know back then.
And I'll forever sift through the past,
To see a glimpse of myself again.

The Truth Is....

I really miss you and I'm sorry.

It's Written All Over Your Face

Omg it's been a bad day. I'm about to blow this bitch up and then slit my wrists. No not literally slit my wrists. I'm just speaking figuratively. I'm a bitch but whatever, I'm still fresh. And you're a touch overrated. You're a lush and I hate it. The truth is that you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt. Those words never seemed so clear. But whatever in the end you'll realized you've already had the best days of your life. And I fucking hate this town because everywhere I go, I see your freaking face. I can't walk down a street or drive to that place without having memories come rushing back to me. Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by you and frankly I'm tired of fighting to get rid of it. Seriously enough is enough. Whatever. Fuck this. Peace out.

Tell Me How Do You Sleep At Night?

Ahh to finally sit down tonight is a wonderful feeling. Almost as good as what niccotine would feel like as it carressed the inside of my lungs, but since I've given up smoking that would be the end of that thought. Pretty proud of myself however because I have gone two days so far. They say that if you can make it through three days then it gets easier. God I hope so. The coughing and the cravings are just not hot. So today was fun. Went shopping and met up with some friends. Almost had a heart attack when I thought that a friend had been in a bad accident but then I found out that it wasn't her. I feel bad for her friend though that was in it. The pictures looked pretty bad. Other than that, I was really productive today. I made like a to-do list but it's more of like a promise list of things that I am promising myself I am either going to start doing or stop doing. Lately things have been so chill for me. Nothing has been bothering me and I haven't been caring about anything lately and I do mean ANYTHING. I'm returning to the me that I used to be back in highschool when Kendra and I were nice when we needed to be nice but bitches when you messed where you shouldn't mess. Things were so much less stressful back then because I just simply didn't care what people thought. Also it has been oh so great to just not have feelings for anyone right now. I'm loving it as a matter of fact. So much more relaxing. I don't have to worry about impressing that person or constantly having them on my mind. I'm liking that I can just simply do my thing right now without having the thought of something, someone, or a possibility hanging in the background of my mind.

I Hate Valentines Day

So it's 12:5o in the am. and I just got home from work. I am supposed to be geting up in less than eight hours to head to work. I really should be sleeping, but I'm not. Oh well. So tonight was tons of fun. I mean tons of fun. I haven't had so much fun in such a long time. Me and coworker acted out the elephant melody from moulin rouge, which is my FAVORITE MOVE EVER. Haha it was so great. We were just standing in the middle of the store singing this song and acting it out. Then another coworker and I got into a soap fight, which I wooped his ass. And then lastly, my manager got into a fight with a customer that was severely intoxicated and thought that the world was going to end just because he wasn't going to get to the store before we closed. And dude this guy was like fucking nuts. He was cussing and swearing like no other. The guy told us he was going to come down there and beat our asses and that he was going to be there ten minutes after we closed. Zach and I wer just like oh bitch bring it. We were seriously going standing outside of the store smoking cigs with brooms in our hands ready for a smackdown. It was awesome. I had so much fun. Anyway...the night is getting late and I have to fucking work tomorrow morning. FML to the max. I need a new job. My job is starting to be like a monster commercial. I am just waiting for the phrase "Need a new job" to pop up in huge letters in front of my face like a sonic commercial and hunny let me tell ya something...I'm ready for it. lol I need sleep. Peace all. Night

This Runs Forever

It's a few stolen glances,
The subtleness in the stare,
And heaviness in the air,
The rising of the pulse,
And lack of words,
The smile on the face,
And shaking hands,
The nervous mind,
And the fantasy,
That shelters you in the darkest of the nights.
And takes you to the highest of all heights.
Where your obliviated mind takes new form,
And shelters you from the raging storm.
That moment when you suddenly feel like starting something new.
Meeting a stranger and falling in love out of the blue.
Where a kiss is no longer just a kiss,
But a thousand moments that you have shared.
And suddenly it doesn't seem so strange,
To just simply fall,
Without a net,
To just fall,
In love.

La La La Lie

One of my favorite things to do is just dump a bunch of cds out on my bed, randomly pick one, and then just listen to the songs that play. The key is to not know what you are about to listen to, but let the song trigger a memory. Music is such a powerful thing. It can take your mind away to a different place. If you listen to the lyrics and the lines of the song, they can change your life. Music is part of your soul. If you're the musician, then the piece is you. A composition of your life. I love music like you wouldn't believe. Seriously, I'm obsessed. Some people say that they couldn't live without their cell phone or their computer. For me, I couldn't live without music. So that's how I'm spending my evening tonight. Completely intoxicated off of nyquil and listening to music. It's a good time for real. This shit is bank.

The Chain

I need some time alone.
Some time on my own.
To find myself in this world unknown.
Be a dear and understand,
I don't expect you to hold my hand.
Because just when your grip would begin too feel familiar,
You'd pull away,
Stray away,
For something better.
However I cannot blame the fool,
For slipping further and further away.
For when all is said and done,
The fool to be had was me.
It's a play that I do recognize.
Nothing new to the scene.
But before I let emotions get the best of me,
I'll just take some time.
To cure this rediculous obsession I have for love.
That's why, you see,
I need some time alone.
Some time on my own.

UGH FUCK THIS PART TWO

Oh and PS...
I would like to say a prayer for someone that is dying of lung cancer. I hope that the time that you have left is special. Even though we were never really that close, you are still dear to me. I do have some great memories of you. It saddens me that your life is being cut short. But the good lord has a plan for everyone. I love you and stay strong. You're in my heart and in my prayers.

UGH FUCK THIS

I'm the cause once again of this malfunction in your life. In both of your lives. I'm the reason to blame once again. Whatever it's fine. It's just another reason why I'm a fucking failure at everything that I fucking do. Because everything that I fucking say to her, she takes and blows way out of proportion. She took a situation that was not hers to fix and turned it into something all about her. Why does she care so much that he said that she said those things when her and I weren't even talking that much then anyways? But I can't say anything. Why? Because I'm not supposed. I'm not supposed to get angry or upset about anything that happens. I'm supposed to just let it all take place and watch the outcome. In the end, I'll just be another reason to blame about how you lost YOUR best friend because of me. How I set out to steal YOUR best friend. How your life sucks because YOUR best friend talks to me or likes me as a friend. Well I'm sorry. I'M FUCKING SORRY. Go on and believe what you want. Again. Blame me again. I don't care anymore. I don't want a part of it anymore.

You Look a Little Unhappy About the Way the World is Turning

I am currently heavily medicated on cold medicine and listening to newport living by cute is what we aim for. It's a good song. You should listen. I'm planning on listening to all of your love by hellogoodbye next. That is another good song too. So the past two days have been quite interesting. I have recently been talking to a old friend that I got into a major fight with in the summer. I hadn't spoken to her since the fight but just recently started talking to her again. I was beginning to miss the old conversations that we used to have about useless things and the theories of our minds. So we began talking again and then we made plans to have dinner this past Saturday. I was nervous, I will admit. I wasn't sure how everything was going to go down. I just put a smile on and hoped for the best. Turns out that what was supposed to be a dinner between the two of us turned into a dinner between her and I and then two of her friends. She asked me if I cared if they joined but really what was I supposed to say? It was awkward to sit there and have dinner and conversate with people that you are not all that familiar with and then again be there with someone that you have been fighting with. Whatever it ended but I realized that things weren't the same. She is never going to change. She still blames me for things but when it all comes down to it, I think that she is the one that will never get passed the past. Maybe she thinks the same of me and that's cool. But for real. I'm tired of the same petty shit everyday. Drama never gets anyone anywhere in life. Plus, I also ran across some nasty messages that she sent me during the fight and I realized that if someone was goin to say those things about me then ultimately I don't want anything to do with them. I will still be nice to her and I will smile and say hello, but deep inside, I'm done. Besides that whole thing. Yesterday was the superbowl. The steelers won. I rooted for them. I know I said I never would because I'm a die hard patriots fan but steelers played an awesome game. They had two AMAZING plays and it was good. I also got a bit drunk last night. It was the first time in quite some time. I wasn't completely intoxicated but I had a good buzz. Oh and ps....I smoked my last cig today. Hoping that I can start the quitting process and finally get some things back on track. Anywhoo...I'm dying of the common cold and I'm also burnt from tanning so I'm gonna call it a night and go relax in a hot bath. Night all. Peace.

I'm A Wishful Thinker WIth the Worst Intentions

So it's 3:49 in the afternoon and I just woke up. I successfully wasted an entire day off doing nothing but watching the back of my eye lids. It was amazing. I had an amazing dream that I would love to fall back asleep and continue but my mother sort of opened my door and told me to make something of my life in a not so nonchalant manner. I'm just like bitch please, I am so damn productive. Eat cha heart out love. Haha that is so my new thing. So the past few days have been incredibly different and unusual but somehow profound and so worth it. Tons of things have happened. I have learned some new things that at first were a bit devastating but then ended up working out for the best. I finally know a little something about my life and myself. I know for real it's about freaking time. But on the real, by golly I think I finally have got it. I have finally diciplined myself to the point where I have decided that I am finally over that someone. I realized that what I was putting myself through was so not worth it. I deserve a dream that actually stands a chance and after fighting it for so long, I have finally reached the point where I can say goodbye to that fantasy. By george I think I'm growing up. But anyway yea, most of this probably doesn't even make sense but whatever it's all cool because this is basically just a place for my thoughts. And I just re-read this to see if it might actually make sense and I realized that I said by golly and by george?!?! Wtf?!?! Who says that? Whatever I'm cool. But ummm ya...it's now four o'clock and I must go get ready cuz bitch I'm going out tonight. YAYA. :)

Contemporary Issues in My Life

I love my life, really I do. Things are absolutely wonderful right now. Last night I came home to a gas leak in my house. We had to leave the windows open all night and the doors shut so that we could sleep. Then I awoke this morning to realize that we have no heat. Our propane was shut off because we couldn't pay the bill. We don't have the money to pay for heat. I thought that when I came home from work, things would be better. WRONG. Instead, tonight we have five blankets each on our beds so that we can stay warm and I guess there is supposed to be a bad snowstorm tonight. Great. My mom calls me while I'm working and asks me to bring home some medicine for her because she is sick, but guess what I don't have enough money for that. I have four dollar and fifty two cents to my name and I had to put four dollars worth of that into my car just so that I could get home. Tomorrow I will get paid, but all but thirty dollars of that will go towards bills. Also, tomorrow my mother has to go into the hospital for tests because her heart condition has gotten worse. On top of all of this, I can't talk to either of my closest friends. The one is way to involved with the guy that she likes that seems to be taking an interest in her even though in my opinion he is kind of a jerk and my best friend is in Florida and if that distance isn't far enough, he seems distant when we talk. He gets mad at me because I tell him that I worry about something that he is doing. He tells me that I'm telling him how to live his life. But that isn't the case at all. I'm just concerned. I don't know. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And people wonder why I used to be a cutter and why every day is so fucking hard for me. The best part is, nobody knows.

Could Ya Make Me Number One On Ya Playlist?

I'm a liar and a fake,
Even though I knew what was at stake.
Still I played a fool,
Thought that I was cool,
And cared for you.
Fresh out of a daze,
Starstruck and a recovering addict,
The only thing that I can say,
Is I wish you never looked at me that way.

A Teenage Vow in a Parking Lot

I watch you stare,
At them.
I watch you long,
For them.
To kiss them,
To hold them,
To love them.
And I step back,
Away from you and the scene,
And I sigh a little.
Hurt a little,
Maybe even cry a little,
On the inside.
And you turn around,
To look at me,
But not the same way,
As you looked at them.
You ask what's wrong,
And I say nothing,
While I turn my face,
And whisper everything.
I've wanted for so long to tell you,
But I cower in fear everytime.
See you don't how hard it is,
To watch you long for someone else.
To not be enough,
To be invisible to the one you love.
If you could only see,
That while you're staring,
At them.
Longing,
For them,
That really,
I'm staring,
At you,
Longing,
For you,
Wanting,
To kiss you,
To hold you,
To love you.

A Waging War

It's ten degrees below zero and I'm wrapped up in a blanket, wishing that I was filling my lungs with the soft burn of niccotine. Instead, however I sip a cup of hot coco hoping that it will take the chill away, while a few recurring thoughts keep passing my way. I glance at my phone as it begins to ring, the first sound it's made in the past two days, but after getting my hopes up, I realize it's just a bill collector. A song from an old familiar movie, reminds me of a familiar place not so long ago. And suddenly, I'm filled with remorse as I wonder why everything has to be goodbye. What's wrong with saying hello? Why do we leave everything to chance, when we know that it's only going to bring about another failed attempt or failed romance? But then again, maybe it's just me. I think I put way too much into everything. Into dreams and possibilities, hoping to gain a little in the end. But he cries, and she dies, and we see that the endings are all the same. And with that ending, we will see that all the words put down onto these pages are merely just stories of people and the lives they wish they had. I'm confusing myself and maybe you as well. But this is familiar territory for me. It takes a hard dose of medication to understand me. The thought process that I retain is something that you'll only think you understand. Really, I'm a fake, holding back the things I wish to say, but don't to avoid the moments of dissarray. I think I'm in over my head and I'm the one to blame. I put to much into you and your games. I believe in everything you do and hope that it's all true. But I get caught up in loosing another dream when reality sets in. So maybe I should go against my rule, and say goodbye instead of hello. Who knows.

Come What May

It took some time,
For me to see the light in you.
But you were so unusual,
You saw right through.
The me that everyone knew.
You knew from the start,
What we could be,
And what we could do.
This feeling was oh so new.
I became infatuated with the thought of you.
A sweet surprise I could get used to.
You've become that smile that runs across my face,
When someone mentions your name.
The butterflies in my stomache,
When you cross my way.
And suddenly I'm filled with hope,
Cause you give me hope,
Of love,
Of someone understanding me.
And finally it all makes sense.
I'm in love with you,
The thought of you,
And what we could do.

Updates are FuN

I dyed my hair yesterday. I like it. It's a little more red than before but still more like a brownish red. I'm planning on adding some highlights to it. I'm thinking caramel. Not sure but I'll figure it out. I'm looking for change. Finally got my car fixed today but after it was finally finished, the hood got stuck so I have to take it tomorrow to get that fixed. Not to mention, I also have to change the windshield wipers, find a gas tank, and buy a new dome light. I love cars that don't seem to function. Other than that, things have been pretty normal and pretty great. I have to return to school this week. So NOT looking forward to that. But whatev. Someday I'll look back and be like dude it wasn't that bad. Oh also, continuing with the delema I am having with a certain someone calling my best friend a faggot, his wife now is telling people that I am a liar. That he simply just asked me if my friend was moving to Florida and that I flipped out on him. HELLL FUCKING OOOOO. I was not the only fucking person in the garage. Others have told the same god damn story. What fucking ever. I'm so done. Just wait. Anyway, I'm watching waiting and I need a cig. Peace.

Troubled Souls lost in Insanity

Happiness is a warm gun,
Kept in the palm of my hand.
With fingers gently resting,
On the trigger to my life.
I keep the beat,
With my blistered feet,
And play the game of this and that,
Where I'm someone,
Who knows someone,
Who knows someone that you once knew.
And with the gun powder still on my hand,
I roll up a message with a thought or two,
Carried in a bottle across the ocean blue,
Traveling for miles and miles to you.
A distant memory in the back of your mind,
Like a gun shot ringing in your ear,
Brings truth of a new kind.
A forgotten face,
A familiar place,
And for a moment you think you feel my embrace.
An old familiar scent,
Of perfume and cigarettes,
Drowns you in your realization,
That you did forget.
Everything.
A promise,
A promise of forever and always.

Imagine

I'm so tired of saying goodbye.
Losing love and breaking ties.
Of waking up to darkened skies,
That only bring more metaphors and lies.
It seems all of these words,
Couldn't be further from the truth.
How did we get here?
What did we do?
In despair I bow my head,
There is no peace on earth I said.
For hate is strong and marks the song,
Of peace on earth,
Good will to men.
We've lost hope,
In trusting love.
But what will we do,
When all love is gone,
And hate wraps around the world in the still chill of the night.
For though we may all be departed,
There is still a chance that we will see.
There will be answer.
A reckoning.
Peace on earth.
Let it be.





I've tried to blog about what happened last night. But words fail me everytime. I was hurt by someone that I thought was a member of my family. But because his courage lay in the palm of his hand, taking the shape of a beer can, he spoke the words that crossed his mind. They cut like knives through my hopefilled mind and left me with a question of which I fear the answer. There is no peace on earth. There is too much hate. And because I thought that I could change the world, that I could bring a friend to my home and have them be treated like any other person, I guess I expected people that are the closest to me to shield the harshness of the world and show my friend that not everyone is filled with hate. But I was wrong. I blame myself for believing in peace. For believing in change. For hoping that someday there will be an answer and everyone will let it be. But each day gets worse and worse and people don't see the hate. The violence. The despair. Well this is my solomn vow. It will not happen again. And at the end of the day, I can look in the eyes of my friends and believe that there is still hope. I may be a dreamer. But I'm not the only one. I hope someday everyone will join us and the world will live as one. So to close this blog, I am going to quote my friend that they hurt, "My heart bleeds black for you." And it does. It really does.