Destination Failure and Disappearance

It has been so long since I have blogged. My life has been total and utter chaos. In the past 3 months, I have managed to completely lose myself. I honestly couldn't tell you who I am today. I have done so many things that I regret. I have lost so many people that are close to me and this past weekend proved to be the end of everything that was me. I fucked up so badly that I can't even begin to find a way to reconcile with the person I hurt, or better yet myself. I think I lost my best friend. I know we are trying to work things out, but honestly I think I fucked up so badly that I will never ever get the relationship back that I had with him. I have no one to blame but myself and that is what kills me the most. I have to face the music and it is so incredibly hard. I am so ashamed of the person I have become. I let myself go against my morals and my own judgement several times within these past three months. I let my addiction to lust control my body and my mind. I can't even talk about the things I have done and the worst part is, I can't talk to anyone about it because things would only get worse. I would only hurt more people. Only one person knows about everything and by everything, I mean what happened this past weekend and what happened with this particular taken male. But this person that knows everything about my fuck ups and about me, is the person I managed to hurt beyond repair. It would be so better off for everyone if I just disappeared. I'm not goign to kill myself so relax. I'm just saying the thought has crossed my mind and be it six feet under or sixy thousand miles away from everything, it would be in the best interest for everyone that knows me. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pitty me. I don't want that. You should be angry with me. You should hate me. You should look at me with disgust. How can you even see the me I used to be when I dont' even recognize myself in the mirror. I'm not posting this because I want the "oh woe is me" drama. I'm posting this because I am being honest with myself and with everyone. I could disappear. I want to disappear. I should disappear.